My face right now is literally like... 8D

Because this is fantastic. 

This is really good. As in, caps lock/bold/italics REALLY good. 

I don't know a lot about Sherlock Holmes, I don't know a lot about the Doctor, and my knowledge of Discworld is indisputably less expansive than yours. (And, for that matter, TNO's.) This is still... really good. I can't think of another word to describe it.

(And yes, writing nonsensical crossovers does indeed count as a life. Just not most people's idea of a happy one.)

Thankee for the kind words.

:::

"Well?"

"Oh, why not? I confess to a surpassing curiosity concerning the matter."

"I as well," I admitted.

"How do we contact the fellow?" He grabbed the letter from me. "'Do notte, trie, to contact us, saye the wizards. You wille, see, what hapens.' Dear me. I suppose we have only to wait."

"Evidently."

"I hate waiting."

We did not, dear reader, need to wait for long. Before I could speak, the world had dissolved, and we had fallen onto a floor in what could only be another world.

"You have just been successfully transported from Roundworld to Discworld!" a bespectacled young man with a clipboard informed Holmes excitedly. "How do you feel?"

"Exactly like someone who has just been successfully transported from Roundworld to Discworld, apparently," said Holmes, standing up and pushing him aside. "That seems fairly self-evident."

"Well, yes, of course, sir, but would you care to describe...?" He looked at him hopefully. "After all, you two are the first!"

"Ask Watson, then."

He accosted me. "How do you feel?"

"I feel fine, thank you,"

"Really?" He scribbled something on his clipboard. "Are you entirely sure? Please, this is important. We must know if the spell has any adverse side effects!"

I ignored him.

:::

The Disc fans in the audience will recognise poor Mr Clipboard as everyone's favourite geek wizard. GAH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

what am I even doing with my life I don't even know.

I have a paper to write on Pudd'nhead Wilson, so of course I remembered this. As such you are getting a rather longer segment. Also, I've skipped a bit ahead: this is the Vimes scene.

:::
Commander Vimes wore battered armour, and his face was like granite. His expression was that of a man who is not often happy, but who is also not often this unhappy.

"I've heard about some of his work from the wizards," said Carrot earnestly. "Stibbons had some books that he lent me. He's truly incredible. He can tell you someone's whole life from the state of his hat. He can take one look at a body and see all the clues and tell you who did it - sorry, sir," he said, seeing Vimes' face.

"Detective work isn't about clues," Vimes said. "You know that. Real life isn't that simple. In real life the telling footprint was made by the window cleaner."

"I know you think so, sir," said Carrot respectfully, "but I really think that Mr Holmes can help us, sir."

"You could have asked permission!"

"With respect, sir, I knew you would say no."

"Carrot, I have murders to solve. Murders. I believe you know what that means? People dying? There is something very wrong in Ankh-Morpork, and I've got to do something about it very quickly, and it would help, it really would help, if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about godsdamned clues!"

Holmes turned to me, evidently seeing that his moment had come, and coughed. "Well, Watson," he said loudly, "I have managed to find out very little about this man, though of course I have not had long to observe him. As such, only the barest facts - that he's married and has a young child, a son, I believe, that he smokes, that he is a former alcoholic, and that he is a noble, though not entirely comfortable with a noble's life - are clear to me."

There was a small, nasty silence.

And then Vimes went spare.

A blonde woman in Watch uniform standing near us whispered to another officer, "Listen, Cherry, I'm going to take these two out and show them around the city and explain things to them a bit, all right? Tell them what they need to know? It's not going to be pleasant around here for a while."

Cherry nodded. "Right. If the commander ever calms down enough to notice you're gone, I'll tell him."

"Come on," she said to Holmes. "I'll show you around the city."

"Excellent," said Holmes. "Come along, Watson."

As we left, I heard Vimes say loudly, "They aren't staying at the Watch House!"

"No," Carrot agreed patiently. "They're staying at the University. Stibbons already made sure of that, sir."

"There isn't any chance one of the wizards will accidentally turn them into something, is there?" he asked hopefully.

"I shouldn't think so, sir. Stibbons is being very protective."

"I'm not allowed to kill then, then?"

"I should think Stibbons would be very upset..."

"Darn Stibbons!"

"Commander..."

:::

I don't envy Carrot right now. :D But he's Carrot, he'll manage, he always manages.

My most sincere apologies for the "skinny idiot" line. It was too perfect not to use.

Also, it's worth noting that this is set post-Snuff for Vimes et al, but I don't think there will be any major spoilers; if there are I'll put up a warning, because I don't know if everyone has read it yet.

This is the best! I haven't read Discworld, but I'm a Holmes Fanatic and so I have to love it. :) You should join fanfiction.net! Please write more!