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Sorry for not posting! I had a party yesterday, then camp today…But I'm here. I know that's not exactly what he says, but it kind of seems like he thinks all his life might as well have been a dream. Like, now that it's all gone, it's like it never happened. That none of it matters anymore. And now he's in greater reality and doesn't want to be, because he liked the sort-of-but-it-turns-out-not-really-reality reality (as in, life..?). But now it's gone and won't be back.
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Okay, so here is my poem. It's kinda wierd, and not well written. But I hope that you see things you can crituqe!
A Dreamer's EyesThe paper plane in my handsholds a very important task.The person who has my heart in bands,my love, my flame, is lost.The wind has never been wrong,carrying my plane forward.For it floats on the notes of a song,that my dear love one sang.I stand before two roads,and clutch my precious vessel.As I shiver in the cold,I ponder of which one to take.The path that was one,tore itself into two.Where it comes undone,stands a forest of trees.The trail to the rightjuts out with thorns.It seems a terrible flight,for my fragile paper plane.While the one to the left,is filled with whispers and shadows.That would surely be the death,of the key to finding my heart.Now one question remains,which path did my dreamer take?Or even the mistake drains,the words of your song?It is now I must test my faith,of the little plane of paper.For I fear the song turning into wraith,before it's wings set sail.Faintly whispers the echoof the familiar song.It is now that I know,my companion will not fail me.I feel a slight breezesoaring through the sky.Also a shaking through my knees,as I think of my love's face.Paper slips through my fingers,as I watch my plane take flight.Take it to my little dreamer,so they may not be lost anymore!Which path will it take,where did my wanderer go?Baited breath I wait,and watch it zoom ahead.The left path,no, right!My plane sways as if it's doing math,this should not be hard!It flies higher still,oh where is it going?!It swoops up until,it dives into the forest between.Screams and agonyleave my open mouth!Oh this is a tragedy,my faithful paper plane failed!My poor lost love,little dreamer where could you be?Did wings of the paper dove,not fly on your sweet song?No this cannot happen,it promised me you!My heart was the captiveof your sparkling eyes!What am I doing,shouldn't I have more faith?Did I lose ear of your soft cooing,your truthful words?I would not lie to you,or you to me.Is that what I'm to do,is it my dreamer?Then it struck me,as when the clock does twelve!My heart fills with glee,for I've finally found you!My paper plane does not lie,neither does your song.For my mind was just shy,of the knowledge you have.You did not take the right road,nor the one to the left.No longer am I cold,for I know now.You took the third path,that no one could see.Your eyes needed no map,because you've the mind of a dreamer.Not one or two,nor left or right.There could only be one way for you,and that was through the middle!For you took the way,only dreamers could see.There was no delay,you went through the trees.Now only if,others could see.Natures gift,the road through the trees.
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@Buggy
wow, i really like the way you speak in this poem.
i like the paper plane idea.
friendly critique:
i think this poem needs more of a rythym. and since this poem is so long, i cant point out every single spot to edit.
i have a suggestion: pick a beat that matchs the first two lines, and pound it out with your fist. read the poem out loud, while pounding the beat. do not change the beat. change the poem, like if a word doesnt match with the beat, and or take away some syllables. you might want to edit the sixth line (carrying…)
i think you should also divide your poem into stanzas (papragraphs) like maybe putting a break between I ponder of which one to take. and The path that was one,
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@Owlgirl <!–break–>
To answer your question of what does this poem mean to me: Like what Hermione A. said, the writer is indeed sad time can not be controlled, but what CAN be controlled is how we choose to spend our time. If we spend our time wisely, then we can be happy about what we did with our time. If we just fritter our time away, then we look back at what we've done and are like Why? Why did I spend my time frittering away? What could I have done better? Regrets of our choices with our time starts to turn to guilt, that we were lazy, and now we can do nothing about it. We start to get angry with everything, including ourselves and blaming people. This is not how we want to be, that's why we want to make wise choices, (especially with our time.) Just like when we are on a path to choose in Robert Frost's poem, we have 2 paths to choose from here: what will we do with our time? Will we take it in our hands, and let it slip away, or continue forward, spending time wisely? It's our decision. This motivates me SO MUCH to spend my time wisely, choosing the better path. One quote I like from the Prophet of my church says: Decisions determine destiny. This is so true, every choice we make determines our future. So you choose: do you want to be wise with your time or lazy?
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@Aubrey L: Wow! I love that thinking!
What this poem means to me is living life while you have it. realizing every moment and not taking everything for granted. I agree wiht what you said, Aubrey L, about how we can't change time but we can spend it wisely. You shouldn't just sit around, mourning about the loss of time. You should DO something, because you can make a difference in the world.
For example, (I got something like this from Tomorrowland) let's say someone invented a machine that could predict the future, and it told you exactly when, where, and how you would die. Now, if it were something you couldn't stop like the Milky Way Galaxy exploding, you should just live life at its fullest.
But if it said you would fall of the stairs at Buckingham Palace on July 19, 2016, well, just avoid Buckingham Palace on July 19th.
You have a say in your fate. The world isn't like in Percy Jackson, where you can't change the prophecy. The prophecies sometimes have double meanings, but you still can't change them. That's just not realistic, however, and that's the one thing that always bugged me a tiny bit about PJO.
Another thing this makes me think, you know how when you're little, you wish time would speed up? And five minutes time out — that seemed like forever. and an hour — whoa! what a lengthy period of time!
Then when you're older, you're stuck in the middle, you don't want time to speed up anymore, because now five minutes is nothing and an hour — that's barely enough time. But you're not quite at the stage where you wish things would slow down.
That's what happens when you're an adult. Or so I assume.
Somthing I wrote in the Magic RP after we discussed this poem…
“You know,” Skye said, “events like this really make a person think. About what’s important. About — I mean, does everyone realize life as they live it? And…and when it’s gone…it…it’s…well, they say you never miss the water till the well is dry.”
“I must admit, I took everything — my dad, my palace, my life, and my friends — for granted,” Isabel said.
Okay, warning, I am going to start quoting like mad.
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what does this poem mean to me?
well, everything you guys said, but one thing that really draws me to this poem is the title, and the repeated phrase: "A dream within a dream"
To me, a dream within a dream is like…well, have you ever wondered if your life is just a story in a book, or a television? i dont believe that now, (i used to) because my life is too long and intricate!
i recently read the fourth book of the Land of Stories, Beyond the Kingdoms. (It was great, but let me tell you: the plot was only halfway done by the time the book finished. Prepare for yet another sequel! I read somewhere that Chris Colfer doesn't ever want their story to end.)
In this book, at one point, they are able to travel into other fairytales, by jumping into books. So anyway, they get into A Tale of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. They're stuck in this book. So Alex and Mother Goose explain everything to Merlin, and how they got into the storybook, and Merlin says:
"Astonishing, absolutely astonishing to think this world eexists in others as a fable. It endorses my theory that we are all but characters in the books of God's library. or perhaps someone else saod that and I'm forgetting who……"
and then later he says something like maybe you are in someone's book too, and I smile, and I'm like YES! YOU ARE!!!!!!!
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Once again, warning, I am going to quote like mad.
"Time is free. Time is priceless. You can't keep it. But you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back." -Harvey Mackay
I love this poem:
Time is
Too slow for those who Wait,
Too swift for those who Fear,
Too long for those who Grieve,
Too short for those who Rejoice,
But for those who Love
Time is
Eternity.
-Anonymous
Time is what we want most but use the worst.
-William Penn
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Wow. I'm sitting here reading everything, and re-checking Owlgirl's age to make sure your just 11. I'm really impressed at your deep thinking.
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thanks, Rose bud. (blush)
im so exicited how deep we are ALL getting into this.
i turn 12 in october.
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okey dokey, im going to give the prompt, though you can still keep discussing the poem.
Prompt:
wow, we went so deep into this poem.
so how about this: just write something inspired by this poem, and inspired by what we discussed. i guess something having to with time and life.
but since im giving you a freebee, make your poem really good and deep and meaningful.
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Okay! I turn 13 in August 🙂 We are about a year apart.
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I kind of just turned 13 in June, so we're all around the same age.
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Coolio! I'm turning 14 in Dec. :I You gals really have a grasp on life! I just wish I had a mind like yours! P.S., my poem is on the page before. 🙂
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I agree with Owlgirl about stanzas and rythem, Buggy. Also, the rhyming wasn't very clear, if you know what I mean. You may have broken the pattern a few times as well. In my opinion, the word "zoom" is just… I don't know… "unromantic." Perhaps you could consider something like "soar" instead. Overall, I laughed, I cried, it was moving Buggy. (Tenthousand virtual poetry books to the person who gets that qoute).
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The hands of the clock are flat and still
On eleven and twelve, and I knowAn hour and twenty minutes until I'm goneFor at least half an hour or soFrom eleven to five pastThe minute hand seems to crawlOh wait-I've changed my mind nowIt doesn't move at allBut when school's finally overAnd summer's finally begunI'm glad I've got such time aheadI look ahead-nearly three monthsBut soon enough June's goneAnd now it is JulyIt's practically AugustAnd here the problem lies.Forever and eternityDescribe a boring dayBut when I never want something to endI can't seem to make it stay.Time can be an odd thingSpeeding up and slowing downThe cause of many a debateAnd matched by nothing in renown.Though there's one way to solve the problemAnd fathom the concept of timeTo never waste a minuteAs you'd never waste a dimeIt's harder than you thinkBut never cease to try.For as long as you attemptAnd hope that nothing goes awryYour time will not be wastedHowever long it takesFor learning not to squander timeCouldn't possibly be a wasteOkay, it's kind of bad, but whatever. It's hard to make a serious poem rhyme, but I find it hard to keep rhythm without rhyme sometimes. Oh well, work in progress. Critique as you will.-
Not my best work, but it's easier for me to write with the inspiration of the moment.
Surrealism
Dark sky-
brilliant moon,
rising, glowing
angelic, spreading
light across
my window,
creating eerie
shadows along
the floor, as I
wake from a
dream, and
fall into another-
unrealistic- when
silence smothers
night’s song.
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@Rose bud
I like the idea of this poem.
Uhh…dont have much to say….except I think you should add a lot more about the dream within a dream in this poem.
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Okay! What next?
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Oh the chains of human mortalityThe manacles ensnaring my soul.If Death essentiallyIs considered celestially,Then we plummet into a black hole!
Why must the dark shadow consume usThen snatch us right out of the dayAnd if mortal evilCauses our upheaval,How must we make the wrongdoer pay?
The clock doesn't tick and tock like they sayIt pounds and chants like a typhoonTime never tiresIt's like an endless fire,And when you you slow, it will catch up to you soon.
The dark shadow's shadow wrings out our eyesA river is born, and it flows.Our hearts are burning,Our stomachs are churningAnd for the price of what?I'll never know.there. The rhyme scheme isn't perfect, so please let me know about anything I should patch up.-
feedback on mine……?
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Wow.
Just one thing- the final line of the third stanza? "It will catch up to you soon" just doesn't seem quite in rhythm. I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at, but… The phrasing there seems slightly awkward. No offense.
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oh thanks for pointing that out!
🙂
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Oh, and I sort of updated the moon poem.
Why is the world falling as the moon rises?
Reality slips away on padded feet of night,
creatures, nature, they sleep, they hide.
Surreal is a dream that I woke from, a
dream whose fragmented images are
already lost in the library of my mind.
Surreal is now the world I arise to, though
there are noises, sounds with no recognizable
source, beating against my window’s glass,
wailing in synchronization with the wind; I feel
silence from the depths of dark sky, and
intricate complications of nature only refer
placidly to a perfect pearl shape, rolling in
blackness, surrounded by tiny white and
red beads. I crawl to the edge of my bed,
stretching out my hand; letting night flow over it.
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i LOVE THAT, rose bud!!!!! I think this is your best one yet….:) 🙂 😀 :0
uh, it's so good, I don't know what to critique…… I can only compliment….
I really like how you divided the poem, and I really love the abstract thinking…..I really like the part when…..uh….daaaah, I don't know, I love the whole thing.
Poe would be proud.
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Sydney C. I LOVE YOUR POEM! I personally don't have anything to critique.
It was better than Cats! (The play. 🙂 )
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Thanks! It's kind of hard to make a rhyming poem sound serious (for me anyway) so it ended up kind of half serious, but it sort of worked.
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Perhaps the line: "It's like an endless fire" would flow more evenly without the "it's." Just a suggestion. Overall, I like the theme of the poem!
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Also, Owlgirl, you say "you you" on the last line of the third stanza… and I think perhaps you could use something to replace one of the "shadows" in "shadow's shadow." Perhaps illusion or something…?
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Oops, typo on the "you you" thing.
And I guess I'll change the "shadow's shadow" to "the shadow's gloom."
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True story…It's not supoosed to have rhyme or rhythym, and it's not Longfellow, but oh well.It's only part of a longer poem I wrote inspired by a dream within a dream. I just wanted to share this part.Stuck in a DreamTime goes too slowWhen you’re a kindergardenerAnd you pulled Mary-Jean’s hairAnd now the teacher makes you sit outAt recess.You pick at the grass in front of youAnd smash an ant with your finger.Time goes too slow.Time go too fastWhen you’re running, running, runningFrom a demon draped in blackYou try to screamBut the scream is caught in your throatAnd you can’t speak.It gets harder and harder to runBecause the air gets thicklike you’re running through JELL-O.Then you realizeYou’re dreaming!You’re happy for a momentBecause you know it isn’t real.But the happiness fadesWhen you realize you can’t wake upThe monster is getting closer.“Wake UP! Wake UP!”You keep on dreaming.You stompAnd yellAnd pinch yourself.The scenery begins to fade awayAnd you’re back in your roomYou think.You don’t know for sure because you’re having trouble opening your eyes.They can’t seem to roll back into place.They seem to be stuck.No, no, you can’t go back to sleep!You muster all the strength you can and…There you areIn your roomYour teddy bear beside youThe painting your cousin drew for youHanging on the back of the door.Phew! -
Wait, daaaaaaaaaaaaah, do not critique the part about the kindergardener! Just ignore it!
That wasnt supposed to be part of my poem!!!!!
I repeat, do not critique the part about the kindergarderner!!!!!!!!!
Please.
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