i found out

Chatterbox: Chirp at Cricket

i found out

i found out one of my friends is trans and i'm having conflicted feelings...not in a homophobic way, just read on to see.

i just found out one of my friends is trans. i don't know her that well, but we bonded very quickly and very easily. as an introvert...this is kind of rare.

she loves art and LOVES amphibia and toh and certain shows i watch--we have A TON in common.

she's a high-school senior and in my church choir, so it's not in a weird way!

anyway, i friended her on a certain social media platform today and...yknow, her profile was an anime character from one piece! i said i thought that was so cool, bc--J really is cool. i look up to her a lot (although idk her that well) and we get along very nicely.

i mean, after learning J watched good omens and toh and amphibia--i had this feeling that J was LGBT+! and i'm fine with that, ofc.

but it still came as a shock that she's trans. so although i've been using she/her pronouns for J this entire post, she's really using he/it pronouns.

i'm not angry...just...sad. i don't know why. i have no right to be sad. if J feels that he should use he/it pronouns, then he should! it's just that i don't know anyone irl that uses he/it pronouns or it/its at all. i know one person that i haven't seen in about a decade (not really, of course) that uses she/they.

i know i'm being selfish. i'm being transphobic (i'm not trying to be, i promise!), and this is wrong.

you all know that i'm a christian, so i can't be an ally or associate myself to LGBT+ (meaning, i can't call myself part of LGBT+ or an ally, but of course i can be friends with you all!) that's just how i am, i guess. i'm so sorry if this sounds homophobic. i love you guys so much, and i love J too (/p ofc).

i just feel sad.

and i don't know how to even call J by their new name, T. i don't know how to start! i just got used to her being J, not T.

i'm so sorry if this sounds transphobic at all. i love J (T) for who they are, regardless of what gender identity they have! he's such a sweet person and i love hanging out with him. again, it's hard for me--sort of because i live in a place where there's little-to-no LGBT+--that i know of!

i'm so sorry if this sounds transphobic. i really don't mean it to be. i just need...advice, i guess. :(


P.S. sorry i haven't posted much lately. these past few weeks ive been focusing on my schoolwork and it's been very stressful. i didn't realize how stressful it was until this whole thing with J/T happened, and another incident that i'll write about in the confessions thread. it happened awhile ago, but i'd like to talk about it <3 

submitted by Endless_Parodies, age 13
(November 18, 2023 - 3:37 am)

No, this doesn't sound transphobic at all! It's completely reasonable! Thanks for sharing! I must say.. I don't really have that much advice, sorry. It sounds like you're handling this just fine, it's normal to be sad, this really does sound like a shocker. If any of my friends came out as trans, I'd be totally supportive of them, but some of my friends I've known literally my whole life and, well, I'm so USED to them using the pronouns they use, and I know that they'll still be as awesome as they were before, but I would still definitely be sad. Like a new era has come or something and there's nothing I can do to change it. Idk.

but Ig I'll just tell you a super long story of my own?? Not saying your experience is anything at all like this one, but idk if it'll help at all??

So, um. You all know this, but, a few years ago... I didn't even know LGBTQIA+ EXISTED. I had no inkling that anyone could have a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth, could use they/them pronouns, could be attracted to someone of the same gender, or not be attracted at all. NONE.

And I'm not proud of this, but... I'm a huge grammar freak, right? I may not know all the things there is to know about grammar, I may not be using correct grammar myself, but I love it nonetheless. You can probably see where this is going.

My friend introduced me to the term "gay" about 3 years ago. I didn't really think much of it. And then I suddenly started encountering LGBTQIA+ in books. I started reading WNDB (we need diverse books, highly recommend!) collections, and I encountered they/them.

I uhh.. immediately started crossing those out witha pencil bc, well, grammar.

I'm sorry.

And then I realized that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. this person was mentioned, they/them was used. I was so majorly confused. And so I ignored it and read on and that was that.

And welp, yep, that's it. Never thought about it for like a year after.

And then I realized what was going on beyond my own ignorant bubble (which I'm scared was of my own making, I mean, SPOILERS FOR HOO, remember Nico's confession? With Cupid? I first read those books and fell in love in 1st grade. And each time since then that I've reread, which, let me tell you, I've reread each of those books 8 times and more now... that's the one blurry spot that I can't quite recall. Until I learned more about the world, I couldn't really remember what had happened there, except that he didn't like Annabeth or something? Yup.).

And I'm so so ashamed to admit this, but I felt SAD. I felt sad that this was happening, that people would use other pronouns than the ones they were given. Back then, I was so proud of being female. Girl power! And so I was sad that people were figuring out that they were male instead, to me it felt like they were renouncing feminism or whatever, which I know now is so not true. Idk. Please don't be offended. It was like everything I thought I knew was stripped away and I had to relearn the world all over again??

And then yup I started learning more about this and about gendered reading which somehow changed my view of the before paragraph and I started standing up for people of ALL genders, which is why I love that quote Poinsettia put up about not being a feminist because you're empowering EVERYONE, and then I stopped being sad and started being happy, being PROUD. So enormously proud.

And then I started figuring out myself.

And I'm still figuring out myself (and suddenly some things are making perfect sense).


And here we are. So what was the purpose of all that? Who knows. Ig it's normal to feel sad, and maybe that sadness will pass in time? Idk. Just keep doing what you're doing, and best of luck!! And, yes, it's also great to get things out! We're here for you if you ever need! :D


And it's fine with the posting, hope school gets less stressful for you though (unlikely, but we can dream)!! :) <33

submitted by CelineBurning Bright, <333 :D
(November 20, 2023 - 2:53 pm)

No, legit, I was the same, not knowing that LGBTQIA+ stuff existed just a couple of years ago. Like, it's crazy to consider since that's such a huge part of my identity and social life now, but I remember being so confused at first when Queer stuff was mentioned/hinted at.  

I grew up in a very fundamentalist religious and controlling family, and although we moved quite a bit, I know we mostly stayed to ourselves and stuck to the more conservative side when we did interact with other communities. I remember the word 'gay' literally being on the same status as a swear word although I didn't really know what it meant (I read of a lot of Victorian literature, and was so baffled when it was used in the context of 'happy' lol), not realising at all that gender was something that could be flexible, or that their were actually people who were any level of non-cis-het normativity. Like, I definitely had an attraction to girls (if we ever played house I always wanted to be a father/uncle/older brother or be involved with a more femme-alligned romantic interest in stories), I had mini semi-platonic?-crushes on female friends and characters, and genuinely desperately wished I could not mature physically/seem like a girl on the outside, as well as struggling with telling people's genders/gender norms sometimes (I used to walk into the men's restrooms with my male friends without thinking about it, get put on the boys sports teams and not realise that's not really normal, etc.). Obviously, I did not realise that this was just being LGBTQIA+, but even after I found out about and started to accept Queerness as a concept, I'm pretty sure I was in denial for a while. Like, I would joke about being gay, hence why I never really had any crushes on boys, or that I wished I wasn't a girl, but like 'as a joke, guys, I swear.' It took a while, even after accepting that to decide that I didn't want to be female-alligned at all, and to this day I still kind of vacillate between identifying as aro-ace and pan, so like idk it's like an absolutely useless label rn... Lol. Point being, views can change, I guess.

submitted by Jaybells, Lost, somewhere
(November 20, 2023 - 9:27 pm)

Like Celine said, this doesn't sound transphobic, and I can see where you're coming from. 

However, I do think it is important to respect your friend's name and pronouns. It was likely hard for him to come out to you, and he's trusting you to use the name and pronouns he told you.

It'll definitely be difficult to adjust, and it's okay to get it wrong! Just correct yourself, apologize, and move on. Even if you don't get it perfect right away, I'm sure he'll appreciate your effort! But you do have to make an effort.

I don't know anyone who has come out as trans irl, but I'm think it's pretty natural to feel sad about it. But you have to keep in mind the other person's perspective--coming out as trans was likely a relief for them, and they're being brave by coming out to you, and your support means a lot.

you said you don't know where to start. that's okay! you don't need to know where to start--you just have to start. when you greet them, say "hi, T" instead of his deadname. when you're referring to him (with people that he's said he's okay with coming out to!!) use the name T and he/it pronouns. 

it might take a while for you to adjust. that's okay!! but you have to start somewhere.

and about the being Christian thing--i was raised Christian too, and i'm lgbtq+. there's a lot more i could say about this but this is already pretty long and I'm typing on mobile :P It's not my place to tell people what to or to not believe in terms of religion, but i do think it's possible for the two things to coexist.

basically, what i want to take away from this is that you have to make an effort. you have to try. you don't have to adjust right away, and that's okay!! no one expects you to get it perfect on the first try. 

and thank you, for being brave by posting this and trying to understand and gain perspective.

submitted by pangolin, age she/they, Outskirts of the Galaxy
(November 20, 2023 - 3:57 pm)

Hi, Parody. Sounds to me like you really like T, and he's a close friend to you, but you don't know where to start in supporting him. Let's work together to help you feel like you can better support T.

First off - you can be an ally regardless of what your religion is. Many LGBTQIA+ people are, themselves, religious - including being Christian. If T's singing at your church choir, then it sounds like it's Christian, too. The best way to really be a friend to someone is to support them all the way and believe in unconditional love. I'm not Christian myself, but if I'm correct you believe God created everyone, and you believe God loves everyone. Does that not include queer people? (Please correct me if I am wrong about anything, thanks)

Also, you now do know a queer person irl - T! Getting used to a new name and pronouns is tricky, so here's how it goes:

First, ask T who they are out to. If he's not out to certain people, he may perfer you don't use its proper name and pronouns in front of them. That may sound confusing, but this is a good way to keep him safe and comfortable. Ask it if he's willing to have a conversation about who he's out to and when it's safe for you to use his name and pronouns.

Then, when getting used to his pronouns, do this if you mess up:

You: I can't hang out with you today, J - I mean T, sorry - and I are going to the park.

You: T is a great friend! She - I mean he, excuse me - has lots in common with me.

Do you see how the simple apology and correction showed your friend you care about him without disrupting what's being said? When you mess up names/pronouns, correct yourself, apologize, and move on. There's no need to be dramatic or showy about your mistake; that can actually make trans people more uncomfortable.

You also know more queer people than you think. A lot of CBers on here are queer. We have a QSA (Queer-Straight Alliance), Pride Month thread, and pronoun dressing room that may be helpful to you.

http://www.cricketmagkids.com/chatterbox/chirpatcricket/node/545162 - Pronoun Dressing Room (various examples of how to use different pronouns)

http://www.cricketmagkids.com/chatterbox/chirpatcricket/node/371267 - Pride Month Thread (mostly for pride month, but you can see some people talking about their experiences which might give you some perspective on it. Definitely worth looking through)

http://www.cricketmagkids.com/chatterbox/downtoearth/node/540018 - QSA (queer people and non-queer people friendly space)

Also, T being trans will not change who he is. You'll still be friends. It will still be the same person you call your friend, now simply using a different name and set of pronouns. When you changed your CB name, did that change who you were? And forgive me for being blunt, but T being trans isn't really about you. Being trans is not something it's doing to you, nor is T being trans hurting you. In an environment with little openly queer people, it's probably really hard to come out. Let love beat fear, shock, and sadness. Be someone who makes T feel safe and seen.

Please feel free to talk to me if you have any more questions or if you need other case-by-case, specific advice on how to support your friend. 

submitted by Periwinkle, age Pi, Somewhere in the stars
(November 20, 2023 - 5:16 pm)

First off IT USES IT/ITS!?!? That's awesome!!!! I kind of wish I could use it/its hehe. 

I'm not quite sure why you think you can't be queer/associate with queer people if you're Christian? Tons of people are both Christian and queer!  

I don't think feeling this way is wrong, but I do want to be clear that you need to use J/T's pronouns and respect it. Just to feel this way is fine, but if you don't use the wrong pronouns for it and such, it has every reason to be mad at you. Also, why are you sad that it's trans? It might just be change, but it also could be, like, thinking being trans is bad/sad, so it's worth looking into.

Main takeaway is please use its pronouns. No matter how much you are sad about this, it's never okay to misgender anyone. might post later more if read better.

submitted by Blackfooted Bobcat
(November 20, 2023 - 5:19 pm)

*just saw its name is T sorry about that

also, even using they/them for someone who doesn't use they/them is misgendering. Unless T is okay with that, just stick with the pronouns it has told you to use. 

submitted by Blackfooted Bobcat
(November 20, 2023 - 5:20 pm)

Hi!! I kind of get what you're going through- I've had friends that I'd known since first grade change their names and pronouns. I would get them wrong a lot! And sometimes I still do on accident. That's okay! As long as you're being supportive and kind :)

I wasn't raised Christian and of course have no right to tell you how to practice your religion but being an ally and being Christian are in no way exclusive! I know soo many Christians who are also LGBTQ+ allies. 

As for advice, I'd say: call your friend T instead of J, use he/it instead of she/her. I know it will be confusing and sometimes difficult and hard to adjust to, but just think about how happy he'll be that his friend is being supportive! If it/it's it too difficult for you to use at first you can just start with he/him and go from there. You probably don't have the most exposure to irl LGBTQ people which can make it harder to understand, but just think about different shows that you said you liked- Luz, Amity, Eda, Raine, Willow, and Hunter from TOH are all queer characters. Sasha from amphibia, too. It may seem like queer people are very different from people that you know, but they're not.

It sounds like you genuinely care for your friend and want to be supportive- I hope anything I said was of any help to you!!

submitted by Silver Crystal, age Infinity, Milky Way
(November 20, 2023 - 7:08 pm)

I agree

submitted by CelineBurning Bright, age she/her, The FireMist Sea
(November 20, 2023 - 10:25 pm)

Thank you all so much for your comments! 

Celine, Peri, Bobcat, Silver Crystal--and everyone else who commented--this means a lot to me. Thank you.

If I'm being honest, though, I'm scared to use it's pronouns and it's new name for him! I'm scared because...well, my mom isn't homophobic. Not really. Maybe just the tiniest bit? But she tries! And her main motto is; "It's their business, and if they're happy and have good morals and values--then that's all that matters." It's just that I've never been friends with a trans person before...and it's scary using T's pronouns for me. He said it was fine if I got it wrong, but I'm going to do my best not to, even if it scares me! My brother (not trans) hates it when he's misgendered, because he used to have longish (surfer style) wavy hair--so that's how T must feel when it's misgendered!

I'm just scared I'm going to out him by accident, or use his pronouns in front of my brother or my mom. (My brother is a little homophobic, but only because...he finds it weird. But he's not that bad, because he agrees that Yunan and Olivia from Amphibia are a cute couple!) My dad is more chill about pronouns and LGBT+ and stuff. And I know that they wouldn't make me stop hanging out with T, but I think my mom would get a bit worried, because I told her I wanted to use she/they pronouns awhile ago, when I was 100% certain about using them. I had a meltdown. And she and my dad weren't angry with me at all! They just wanted to know why I wanted to use them. And they asked if it was because I didn't feel like a girly girl. And I said yes. But at the time...I wasn't 100% certain that was why I wanted to use them. I just felt...like those pronouns fit. And my mom finds it a bit odd because she says it's not "grammatically correct," and sometimes I say; "you use they/them when talking about people whose gender you don't know, like 'oh, what's their name?' or 'they are making me very angry,' when in the midst of road rage." She admitted I had a point! So they're not exactly transphobic or homophobic (my mom had TONS of friends in college who were gay/bi!), just not...entirely open to it. I haven't told anyone this, actually--I've told a friend that I once wanted to use she/they pronouns and decided against it...but not with this much detail. So. Congrats?

Anyway, key detail is that I'll try my hardest to use T's pronouns and name when he's around, and even when it's not around!

I love T (/p), and I want him to be comfortable around me. Also, T's new name is so cute! And I must admit, it fits him well.

submitted by Endless_Parodies, age <333, Trying my hardest for T!
(November 20, 2023 - 10:46 pm)

Funny how that situation almost mirrors mine, on a lesser level. I can relate, trying to support LGBTQIAP+ community (my cousin is nonbinary) but my mom isn't as open to it and I keep trying to correct misconceptions about it. I'm not LGBTQIAP+ myself but I am an ally. My tips are to just correct any misconceptions about trans and support your friend as much as you can. 

submitted by Sinusoidal
(November 22, 2023 - 12:58 pm)