1) Oh, I'm used to vampires! Maybe I'd even recognise one! If not, I'd pull out my trusty wooden stake (uh... a pencil) and stab them all. You know what they say, the pencil is mightier than the sword!

2) The chicken dinner! My old friend! And a random adventure! Awesome! Let's have fun and blow stuff up!

3) Ms. Mauvais! Hi! Sure, I want to live forever! 

1) How did I get myself into this one? Well, I'd try to be influential with the vampires. Maybe I'm actually in a parallel universe like in THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE (or LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING, whichever) and the whole ordeal is just to show me that I'm the most important being in the universe. Though I doubt it. So, yeah, I'd proabably freak out.

2) I'm not exactly sure. Probably side with Dr. Chickenstien.

3) Oh, yay, mystical adventures! If I get a top hat and they don't mind me being antagonistic and all, sure! Why not? 

1. Whip out my psychic paper, and convince them I was one of the Guest Judges of the show who had accidentally fallen into the "Participants Area." I would then pretend to be so disguted at their mistake, amid their constant forgiving, that I would go home. Then call the police.

2. Sigh, get in the car, and wonder why I'm agreeing to this.

3. Extend my hand to touch her fingers, and allow her to pull me into the vortex... ahem.. *magic portal*, hoping I may help in her solemn, celestial errand, whatever that may be.

1. What would you do if you woke up in a cage on the set of a reality cooking show made by and starring vampires, and there were two other cages, with two other people who were screaming for their lives trapped inside, and then they announced, "For this round of Staked, you shall be using onions, skunk sweat, and fresh human blood from the humans provided, to concoct a delicious and attractive cake! You have one hour. Time starts now."?

A: make it like one of those escape games, or

B: wake up. 

2. What would you do if the flying chipmunkey, the talking banana, the chicken dinner, and a Sacred Flaming Gorilla came up to you in the street in the chicken dinner's cool slick convertible with rockets that propelled it at 100 MPS (miles per second, introduced in the same place as the flying chipmunkey), and asked you for help stopping the chicken dinner's evil twin, Dr. Chickenstein, from trashing the set of the next Rise of the Fried Furies movie in LA?

Whoa yeah! Can I get a small part in it?

3. What would you do if a magic portal opened up and a mysterious woman stepped out and extended her hand to you, and said in a mystical, dramatic tone, "Come with me. Join the cause."?

Tie her up and send out an email that say:

One Day Vacation! Barbie doll included. 

(Read the secret series? Figure it out!) 

1. Try + persuade vampires to free me. If fail, make moving speech about human rights to the TV audience. Or sumthin.

2. Say, sorry no I'm busy for ever, no can do. I have an appointment etc.

3. Dramatically walk with her towards the portal then abruptly say, "Oh, I forgot! I have an [ important thing], so I can't come with. Sorry!"

1. Create a diversion (likely throwing something like hot oil at the other contestants), grab a kitchen knife, (and the janitors broom if it was handy), and try to find a way to free the other humans. 

2. Mentally debate it, a lot. Probably decline, since big cities and crowded places make me quite edgy. If I did go, they'd have to promise to bring me home immediately afterwards.

3. My broom. I'd send right back through that portal. No mystic portals or "causes" for me, thank you. Okay, well, maybe actually mystic portals, but no causes, since I usually tend to get very hot headed when I don't agree with the cause.