~Excerpt from my

Chatterbox: Inkwell

~Excerpt from my

~Excerpt from my lowly novel~

This is what started my Round Robin about Sydney.  I wrote the original beginning idea in Inkwell as a RR, then started writing a novel by myself.  It was interesting because I had my idea of how the story was going, and then your ideas.  So you'll see a lot of the same things here as there.  Constructive criticism, please?
~Chapter one:
The Girl~

Sydney gazed longingly out over the rolling green hills and the wide blue ocean that stretched endlessly into the distance.  The wildflowers were in full bloom, their heavy scent intoxicating.  A pleasant ocean breeze ruffled the landscape, causing ripples of color to spread across thehills and her unruly auburn hair to fly freely around her face.  The sky was that wonderful shade of summer blue she had always loved, and not a single cloud dared disturb its serenity.  It was the most perfect day she could have wished for, and yet something felt wrong.
She frowned.  On a day like today, what could possibly be wrong? Nothing, she thought, should disturb my thoughts on such a fine day like today.  She grinned to herself.  If Auntie were to hear her say that she would be sent to bed pronto with no lunch or supper.
Sydney closed her eyes and rolled lazily onto her back.  The sunlight was warm on her face, the distant pounding of the waves on the rocky shore like a lullaby, tempting he rinto a relaxed and dreamy sleep. But no, of course she couldn’t fall asleep.  Soon she would have to milk the cow, feed the chickens, tend to the horses, make lunch, clean the house, go to the market . . .
Suddenly, Sydney sat bolt upright and opened her eyes.  That just reminded her: she had to go to the well to collect water for Auntie. That was why she had come outside in the first place.  What had she been doing all this time?  How long had she been here?  Auntie would be absolutely furious.
Still trying to figure out how she could possibly have forgotten her chore, she picked up the buckets and dashed across the open stretch of land that separated Uncle’s property from the neighbors’. The well wasn’t far, just a short walk away, but Sydney didn’t want to be any later than she already was. So she raced to the well and then made her way home at a run.

***
So?  what do you think?  Any good?  Be truthful, please!  Don't worry: you won't hurt my feelings.
 

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 13, 2009 - 7:08 pm)

Sorry, I didn't see it. No, nothing's missing, not as far as I can see. I like it! :)

submitted by Lena G, age 11
(March 18, 2009 - 3:39 pm)

This is great! The only thing that I would say is maybe come up with a different way to say 3-letterdness. It kind of breaks the flow. Other than that it is amazing!

submitted by Koffee
(March 18, 2009 - 3:55 pm)

YOU THINK?!?!? *starts screaming at top of lungs* And how does three-letteredness break the flow?  I'm just interested, so I can check . . .

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 18, 2009 - 6:12 pm)

I think that she meant it makes it sort of childish-sounding, like, I'm-not-serious-this-is-just-a-joke, even though I know you didn't intend it. Try saying... um... is concisity a word? Don't think. Anybody got a thesaurus?

(Okay, I do, but I'm too lazy to take three steps over to the bureau.)

submitted by Mary W., age 11, Bordentown, NJ
(March 19, 2009 - 6:23 pm)

Well, now don't take this seriously and get all low self-esteem like you do: when you say three-letterdness, it almost doesn't sound like a word. It kind of doesn't fit with your writing style, because you're so descriptive through the rest of it. I'm not sure how you could rephrase it though. I think that this is amazing! I love it! Like I said, it's just a really tiny thing that I wouldn't really have noticed until you asked us if it was missing something. So, anyway, after my long tireless rant, I'll give the Admins some peace :D! Like I said though: You have a great and amazing writing style! You write better than I do and I'm older than you! But the story is great! I want more!

submitted by Koffee
(March 19, 2009 - 8:36 pm)

Thanks, Koffee. :)

And, uh, "Three-letteredness" ISN't a word, now you mention it . . . I made it up . . . :)
submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 21, 2009 - 10:19 pm)

To get it to the top . . .

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 27, 2009 - 10:17 pm)

blablablah

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 27, 2009 - 10:18 pm)

yada, blah.

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 27, 2009 - 10:26 pm)

Blahblah?

Okay, sorry, I just wanted to get it to the top . . . :0
submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 27, 2009 - 10:27 pm)

One last BLAH.

submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 29, 2009 - 8:58 am)

Shall I continue?

***
Sydney stared uncomprehendingly at the note for a minute, then scoffed and threw the paper aside. It was probably just someone playing a dumb practical joke.  Well, she wouldn’t fall for something like that.  Not her.

Straightening up, Sydney went back outside.  She had more important things to do at the moment than wonder about Isa and Thespa--whoever that was.  At least that’s what she told herself, anyway.  But all that afternoon, she couldn’t stop wondering about it, despite herself.
And then something happened.

She was drowning.  Cold, swirling water engulfed her.  Her brain was fogging over: She couldn’t think straight.  She gasped for air, but there was none to be had.  She thrashed violently in the turbulent water, struggling desperately for oxygen, but she didn’t know which way was up and which down . . .
“Find it!  It’s right in front of you!  You know what it is, I know you know!  You can do it . . .”

What was that voice?  It was a woman’s voice, oddly familiar, but Sydney couldn’t remember where she had head it before . . .
And then everything went dark.

~Chapter two:
The Boy~

***
From then on, it continues with a different protagonist for a bit . . . do you wanna hear it?  If not, just don't post anything and I'll shut up. :) 
submitted by BellaTrix♡♥♡
(March 29, 2009 - 9:37 pm)

MOOOORRRRREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sorry for the caps and everything, Admins, but BellaTrix is an amazing writer and she's withholding her story from us because she thinks it's not good enough!!! So, I'll abuse the caps just this once and for a good reason.) Please post more this is great!

submitted by Koffee
(April 3, 2009 - 9:27 pm)

Seriously? :S

submitted by BellaTrix ✌ ♡
(April 4, 2009 - 10:14 am)

YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELLATRIX POST MOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS TERRIFIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

submitted by Jenni T, age 12, Nowhere
(April 4, 2009 - 10:24 am)