Places to Chat
Story Den~~~
Chatterbox: Inkwell
Story Den~~~
Story Den
~~~
This is a place -a subsection of the Inkwell, if you will- where CBers write, compare, contrast, compliment, and criticize short (there's no word limit, but if the stories were 500 words or less, that would be good) stories. Write of treachery, of fantasy, of mystery, of Fandom, of magic..... The possibilities are endless! Just one rule: Unless permission is given by their author, all stories are copyrighted.
I'll start.
Wings
The rain fell in torrents, drenching his fur..... Someone wailed, screaming, "Juni!!" A dense fog fell, shrouding the plain, hiding everything..... His mother cried for him again, but he couldn't see her, couldn't reach her- he was all alone now.....
Juniper woke up, gasping. The dream seemed so vivid, almost like that horrible scene was happening again. He blinked, his brilliant cyan eyes flashing. The rain was gone, had been gone for countless moons now. He stood up as much as he could in the cramped tree hollow, black pelt caked with dirt from the hollow's earthen floor. He cautiously stepped out, shaking earth from his fur and glancing around. The desert plain was quiet as the first rays of dawn crept up the terrain. The whole world seemed to be holding its breath as the sun rose, beautiful and brilliant, filling the sky with fire. An eagle's cry broke the silence and the plain came to life. The eagles soared high above, their wings spread wide, silhouetted against the dawn.
He sighed, thick tail swishing, and tore his eyes away from the eagles. How he longed to soar with them, effortlessly gliding over everything. He would give nearly anything to be a bird rather than the panther that he was. He closed his eyes, imagining the strong wings of an eagle growing from his back, then flapping them, and being carried into the sky...... He jerked himself out of his daydream. He wasn't going to get anything accomplished by standing around waiting for a miracle.
Juniper padded away from the plain after a successful hunt. He could see the border between the plain and the forest now, and he loped eagerly toward it. He purred in the shade of the trees, welcoming and cool on his black fur. It was dark. Too dark. Almost as if..... Juniper shook the thought away. That wouldn't happen again. Never.
And then came the rain. It started as a drizzle, dripping through the forest canopy, but eventually picked up force. Eyes wide, Juniper searched for an escape. He ran aimlessly, trying to find his way, but stumbled over something on the forest floor and collapsed.
Juniper was in a land full of light. A soft voice beckoned to him, lulling him.... "Juni, come here, sweet cub. I have missed you." He stumbled toward the voice, but found he couldn't see. "Where are you?" he wailed. "Why am I always alone?" The voice purred, "It's alright. I'm here, always here. Come to me now, Juniper. I can give you anything you ever wanted." Juniper imagined wings again, and how glorious it would be.... But something wasn't right. The voice was... wrong, somehow. Juniper flattened his ears, refusing to take another step. He gritted his teeth, and yowled, "NEVER!!"
Juniper was in the dark forest and the rain had stopped. The voice's words echoed in his mind... "I can give you anything you ever wanted." But that chance was gone now. Juni knew he'd never fly, would never have wings.... But he was alive.
~~~
Sorry. That story was awful. I can't really think of anything better right now, however. Oh well! Enjoy the thread.
submitted by Scylla
(April 9, 2016 - 11:43 am)
(April 9, 2016 - 11:43 am)
That story was not awful! That was very good!
Scylla, could you give me some tips and techniques so I can improve my writing? Your writing is amazing, I want to learn from you.
(April 9, 2016 - 5:48 pm)
(April 9, 2016 - 8:12 pm)
(April 9, 2016 - 8:30 pm)
Thanks, Leaf! Of course I can do that, but I'm more concentrated on getting this thread to TOP!!!
(April 10, 2016 - 9:36 am)
Can I post a story?
(April 10, 2016 - 10:08 am)
Well that's what this thread's for! Also, YAY!! THE ADMINS ARE ON!!!
(April 10, 2016 - 1:40 pm)
That was very, very good Scylla. However, here are a few minor notes. On the whole your story was so spectacular that there is not much I have to say.
1. Several words seem to be a little bit overused, specifically in the sentence "He stood up as much as he could in the cramped tree hollow, black pelt caked with dirt from the hollow's earthen floor" I think that hollow and hollow's are just a little bit repetitive. There are a few other things like that in certain sentence phrasing which are of little importance.
2. You are very descriptive and really make a scene come alive with your vivid portrayals. However, occasionally I think you go a little bit too far, particularly in the sentence "He blinked, his brilliant cyan eyes flashing." Somehow the "brilliant cyan eyes flashing" doesn't quite fit. Why are his eyes flashing? Is he angry at whatever happened to his mother? I don't know why it doesn't work for me. I feel like it should.
3. Especially in the second and third paragraphs, the word "he" is a little bit overused. Perhaps a few instances could be replaced with "Juniper" or "the panther"?
4. The shift in time between the third and fourth paragraphs is a little abrupt. If you merely added "Later," to the beginning of the fourth paragraph, that would be easily fixed, though I'm certain you could think of a better way to portray the passage of time.
5. Finally, I think you might be missusing/overusing ellipses (....). You may have noticed that I have the same trouble myself, though in this post I am being particularly careful. According to my bibliophilic grandmother, ellipses are supposed to only be used when you're quoting something; for example if you were quoting a passage in a book reading: "The art of writing, as we have previously discussed, is as fragile as it is rewarding" and instead of quoting the entire sentence wanted said "The art of writing.... is as fragile as it is rewarding." The ellipses are used kind of as a blank, to remove an irrelavent phrase or sentence, obviously in our case the being ".....as we have previously discussed...." (ellipses can also be used when quoting something in the middle of a sentence). You can often find them used in the reviews on the back of a novel. Sometimes they are also used as a sort of trailing off, if you know what I mean.
But that is beside the point and probably exceedingly boring and redundant. It is often tempting to use ellipses overfrequently. Some can be replaced with a semicolon (;) or a double-hyphen-thingy (--). You can find out more about those elsewhere, as should I.
Well, that was a lot to say and none of it very important. Hope that helps you finish polishing this story!
(April 10, 2016 - 1:03 pm)
That was extraordinarily pompous. I told you already and I'll say it again, that story was awful. I didn't try at all to make it worthwhile when I wrote it and it was way below my usual standard. The use of ellipses during the dreams was to make them seem more vague but then again the story was terrible so why does it matter. I shouldn't have written anything at all..... Whatever. What's done is done. I'm not interested in polishing it at all and would prefer if it stayed in a void and I would never be able to look at it again and it would be removed from my memory. But I can't always get my way. Oh well.
(April 10, 2016 - 3:34 pm)
Wow, Scylla! That was great! It makes me think that it's part of a longer story, that you could elaborate on it more. Anyway, this isn't really a short story, it's the beginning of a longer one that I'm writing. It can stand on its own quite steadily, however, so here goes. It doesn't have a title.
---------
It was a perfect summer night, one where the stars glitter like diamonds in the black sky, where the air tastes of daisies and dew, and the crickets’ voices fill the air with music. Just the sort, Caroline Sadler thought, that was a shame to have to sleep through.
Perhaps it was just as well, then, that she couldn’t seem to. Dawn was creeping nearer still, yet Caroline’s mind stayed as awake as the owls, whose cries of Who-who echoed through the night.
A shaft of pale moonlight slid between the curtain crack and spilled onto the floor. Liquid silver, Caroline thought dreamily. She imagined dipping her toe into the puddle of brightness. Would it feel like water, or be thicker, like milk? Or, better yet, like cream?
Caroline heard her mother’s voice, sharp in her mind, rebuking her for fantasizing. “Caroline Sadler, you can’t go anywhere in this world if you keep your head up in the clouds.” Caroline sighed ruefully. She knew that it was true—light was… light. It didn’t have a consistency. It simply existed. Still, she couldn’t help reaching as far as she could toward the window, hoping her fingers would brush the light.
No. Her fingers still hung a maddening foot or two away from the spilling, glowing, luminescence. Just a little closer, Caroline thought. Her right leg was stretched off the bed, her toes almost skimming the sparse, tan, carpet. Caroline was suddenly aware that she had leaned too far, beginning to slide down the bed.
Oops, she thought, then...
THUMP.
Caroline looked up. She was stretched out on the ground, her face pointed toward the ceiling. Her head was smack dab in the middle of the puddle of light. Which did not feel like anything. She sighed. Her mother was right. There was no use in thinking about magic and whimsy, when it never was so. The world was cold, hard, and fiercely real.
Magic was not.
(April 10, 2016 - 3:03 pm)
I know I should've elaborated, but then it would be too long. I always leave details that are part of a bigger plan, I suppose, in "short stories"and it makes them really confusing. So basically, I suck at short stories. Yours is good though. It's nice, simple, and short. Just what I have trouble with.
Cho- don't overdo it. You know it's not true, for the most part at least. Okay, admittedly, I've written a few good things in my life, but that. Thing. Was. AWFUL. End of story (no pun intended). Ah, I should let up on you. I'm too harsh.
(April 10, 2016 - 4:44 pm)
Oh my crow-cow. That story was amazing. I've read it a couple times and it still amazes me. Can you give me some writing tips?
(April 15, 2016 - 7:32 pm)
That's really good Scylla. I wish I could write like that.
(April 10, 2016 - 3:39 pm)
I'm so sorry Scylla! I don't mean to sound pompous, but looking back on it I did. I'm very sorry I got really carried away. Though I was trying to balance compliments with gentle critiques and tried to keep saying how it wasn't important at all, I went into editor mode. I do that sometimes :(. Sorry I keep saying sorry! (lol)
I would go into what a wonderful author you are and what I liked about the, but if you'd rather not that's ok :). Can you forgive me?
(April 10, 2016 - 7:52 pm)
It's alright. My mood has been a little off for the past few days. I don't think the story was good at all and you shouldn't either. I think I'll clear up soon, so don't worry. It's all fine. I mean, it is the point of this thread- critiquing and writing stories¡
(April 11, 2016 - 5:57 pm)
May I write a story? And also your story was pretty good!
(April 10, 2016 - 10:10 pm)