In a world of

lost heartbeats

and

times I forgot to remember,

there stands an old crumbling

fortress of

pillows and chairs and

blankets too thin

to block out any light.

I can't fit anymore,

but I admire it.  

The cobwebs make it look

mystic,

the fading purple of the blankets adds a

spice if color that

pulls your eyes to it.

It looks like something you could

wonder about,

which it's sad, because

we built this when we didn't have to wonder too hard about

anything.

We were thoughtless creatures,

and we built this perfect,

shiny fortress,

but now it looks old and

forgotten and

maybe that's what's happened to us

too. 

I hop through books

Through settings, through places;

They say a picture is worth more

Than a thousand words,

Maybe it's true, I don't know

All I know is that I miss the ambience

Of the forest,

The golden sun and

Chalky pillars rising to meet the sky

The sea, wide and sure

Lonesome sailboats skimming shores

Black cliffs jutting from the seafloor

The ominous look of storm clouds brewing above 

The autumn leaves and a nesting dove 

A sprawling maize field filled with the sound of wind 

Or a dying day as it bleeds to night, its inky end

The savanna, a lonely cityscape

Blue heights and jumping through chilled clouds 

A cozy ja-chi bang

Or watching fireworks explode across a navy canvass

While wearing a yukata 

Eating candy apples and winning goldfish 

Or just prowling lonely places, alone

As night's inky tendrils sink in.

I miss it all,

Back before characters and personalities meant everything;

When I could just be me

Because there was nothing else,

Just me and the scenery. 

Take a breath of clear fresh air

Spread your white wizened wings

And leap from the cliff

Let your body plummet

Down

Down 

Down

Until you are one with the golden sky

Then you can swoop up, meld with the morning mist 

Let the sun sink between your icy feathers

Let your eyes fall shut and your beak fall open, to sing

To sing praises of

The Morning King.

~~~~~~~~~~

Story/world building~ 

Cold sweat really is the worst.

It feels like it'll never come off,

No matter how many showers you take,

No matter how hard you scrub.

And so you scrub and you scrub anyway.

What if it's like cavities?

And if you don't clean it off in time

It'll eat away at you, 'til there's nothing left?

I know it's not true

But that doesn't help in the moment

And so now my hands and arms are raw again. 

Here we go again :) Tea and poetry really is the best combination, isn't it?

boardwalk 

walking down the boardwalk

it’s pouring rain

the wind whips at our hair

and we’re holding hands

so we don’t get separated

and yes

there are four of us

all holding onto each other

it’s nothing special

but it feels like it’s just you and me

with your hand in mine

i feel warm

even though we’re shivering

and the temperature is a record low

when my shoulder bumps yours

we laugh

because i do that all the time

and i smile

because i’m kind of doing it on purpose

just to be closer to you

i close my eyes and i’m there again

and there’s me

on the verge of tears in an overcrowded arcade

and there’s you

right next to me because you noticed my hands were shaking

you always notice

and even though we were soaked and freezing

i’d give anything to go back to three months ago

holding hands on the boardwalk in the rain

tears pour

down

but the world cares

not 

it cannot see the burdens 

within

it does not show

compassion

for those it deems

weak

unworthy of attention

not beautiful enough to care for 

and so the tears pour on

and on 

it will never end, will it? 

it isn't fair

the way the world works.

but that doesn't matter

since we're all so used to it.

we are fine with watching others

experience anything

as long as we are never implicated 

or put through the same thing.

but what about when you are taken to the Dome? 

everything feels like it being ripped apart

you're drowning 

stabbed and left to die

your soul itself is being shredding

your mind is cracking under the strain-

and 

it hurts doesn't it?

too bad no one cares. 

you understand

don't you? 

it's only "fair." 

A poem I wrote a loooong time ago.

Land of Words (11/20/2019) 

How can you rule a land of bears

When you aren't a bear yourself?

How can you rule a land of stories 

When your story is not to be told?

How can you rule a land of words

When all the words you can think of

Don't fit.

I rediscovered it today and it's not amazing but I actually kind of like it. 

you say

i have my whole life ahead of me

that the best way

to get through anxiety is to push through

no matter how painful

but oh no honey you don't understand

you don't have 

to go throw up in the bathroom before school

or have panic attacks

at the mere mention of social interactions or the car

you also say

there's no reason for me to be depressed

you're still young

just look on the bright side, there's so much

to be glad for!

but you can't seem to understand it's not external

that's why it's depression

and not just a passing sadness or bad day 

you just don't understand

you say i should find a partner before I get too old

you make fun of my friends

for being on the autistic or LGBTQ+ spectrum

without noticing 

how uncomfortable i am because i am too

that i'm not interested 

because i'm ace and aro, not just shy

and you think you 

understand at all but since you're a nurse 

you're convinced

you know everything, that because you 

sometimes get nervous

that you're sometimes sad you were confused once

and sometimes you

aren't sure what everybody around you is thinking

you automatically know

everything there is

about anxiety, depression, everything and me

but you don't

you really really don't understand anything at all

an enclosed space

spells heck for me 

i hate the way my everything prickles with the stagnant air

and my breathing grows short uneasy and ragged

i don't care about logic or rationality in the moment

because

i can't see

i can't hear

i can't feel

anything

except for the space closing in

my stomach flips as if in warning 

and i so dearly want out 

I saw a bird today

A hawk, I think

Soaring high against blue

As I swung

In my little corner of the earth

And I wondered

If I could ever fly like that

Perhaps I have

Many times in my short life

Times I forgot

Funny the things you actually remember

You wish forgotten

The things that shape your person

Are not those sought

We search for that which brings no change

Change is nature

It creates the beauty in the everyday

Sometimes I forget

The sky will never stay so blue

And wings get tired

I, float in a boat

In a raging black ocean

It's lonely and dark

The threat of what lies beneath

The opaque sea looms heavy 

Low in the water

And nowhere to go

Sometimes the water splashes up

And it feels like it's inevitable

We'll sink, trapped here forever 

The tiniest lifeboat...

With people I know

Filled with us all,

But I still feel alone 

Cold, clammy, and crowded

The people smell desperate

One hard wave and we'll tip

Animosity is brimming within them all,

I feel it, but what can I do? 

We'll sink any minute

So someone must go

Who will it be?

How can we leave them?

I wonder, but I already know

The tiniest lifeboat...

With the people I know

How can we do this?

Will it even be better?

Who cares or knows? 

Everyone's pushing!

Everyone's fighting!

Storms are approaching!

There's nowhere to hide!

There's no escape from this torture

And nothing to escape to, besides 

If I say the wrong thing

Or I wear the wrong outfit

They'll throw me right over the side

Why? 

I'm, hugging my knees

And the captain is pointing...

Well, who made her captain?!

I want to scream, but my anger dies

Because I can't fight anymore, and I know 

Still, the weakest must go

The tiniest lifeboat,

Full of people I know

Is it worth it?

Everyone else will be alright...

Some faces show concern,

Others mirth, yet others apathy

The tiniest lifeboat 

Full of people I know

Let the black water rise up to take me

Since I'm just taking up space on this lifeboat

Full or people I used to know 

~~~~~~~~~~

The italicised lyrics are from Lifeboat (Heathers). It's such a sad song, isn't it?