Apples send me back

To 'a million years' ago

Back to days on a ranch

Working with horses

Back to days when shadows

Were only that and my smile was real

Back to a time when something 

Still felt like I would work out,

And there was a light shining through the endless fog.

I'm not sure

I like apples anymore. 

Why do we let ourselves break

Instead of being annihilated completely?

Rather be shattered into a million pieces

Than whatever the alternative is? 

Why do we choose to leave those scars

That we know will last forever,

Even knowing each time we see them

They'll bring us back to that cursed moment? 

Why do we let their words

Worm their dirty hateful beings into our heads,

And let them take control of what we do?

I wonder why we listen at all.

Are we just afraid of what we don't know?

Are we haunted by the thought we'll one day forget pain?  

Are we that terrified of uncertainty? 

What is it all for? 

Cling Clang, 

The bells in the tow'r sound

Bringing together

Both of my worlds

For once, I'm whole

Cling Clang,

They didn't know about you

Your pow'r with me

And you never released 

I had another hidden side

Cling Clang, 

What do you think? 

See the lights a-blaze

The world's in your hands

No, in ours 

Cling Clang,

Your face, it is like a beacon 

Your eyes full of awe

I won't hide my world from you 

Not anymore

Cling Clang,

Because, 

After all this time,

Long long time, 

It isn't just mine

It's ours. 

Why is it such a crime

To be tired?

Why is it so despicable

To wear out

Just like anything else 

That is used too much?

What is so wrong about

Taking a break

Resting and recovering,

After suffering through the onslaught

Of a world life has to offer?

Why is it so terrible

To wish for it all to end?

To cry when it gets too hard,

And wish things could just be better?

Is it evil to get sick of these endless thorns?

Is it wrong to realise that nothing will change;

Nothing but the draining health meter

That no one else can see?

Why can't I be tired or sick or sad

With the way things are, and want to change it?

I can only change the one thing I know,

So why does the world say I can't? 

It's always saying I never can,

Even though I want to.

~~~~~~~~~~

This is actually based on me this time, although it could be easily incorporated into a character. :] 

remember when it was snowing that one day?

when little flakes were drifting through the air and catching on your eyelashes and melting in your hair?

when the trees were so heavy with snow and ice that when you bumped into a branch, a cloud dropped onto your head?

I caught your surprised expression on my old cracked phone and laughed for ages.

you looked like you'd been dusted with powdered sugar. 

remember when we collasped onto the icy ground and stared up into the grey sky?

there were thousands of flakes suspended in the air as far as you could see.

I was mesmerized by those, and I could tell you were too.  

remember when the cold had seeped through our clothes and you helped me to my feet and your face was freckled with little drops of water?

they were all that remained of those flakes that had been in the sky just a moment ago.

your nose and the tips of your ears had been brushed with pink watercolors.

they matched my rosy cheeks.

at one point, the sun came out, remember?

the trees began drip, drip, dripping onto the ground, creating little pockets in the snow.

we squeezed our eyes shut and just listened for a moment. 

listened to the steady sound of the trees freeing themselves from the snow dragging their fragile branches down.  

you were my sun, you know, melting away every worry pulling me to the ground. 

the water in the birdbath was frozen, and I remember thinking that it was too bad time couldn't freeze like that water.

because I could have lived in that moment forever. 

When I'm Thirteen

It’s so easy to succumb to what you think people want you to be.

After reading about insecurity, it becomes hard for me to remember

am i brave? yes

am i sweet? yes

am i ready? yes

and I just want to be that teenager who hates themself and mopes all day,

but I can’t. That’s not me.

I’m not a teenager -

I’m a preteen.

I don’t have to be obnoxious.

It’s a choice.

They tell me teenagers are annoying, and I say

I don’t want to ever be a teenager.

Once I am, will I be able to defy them?

Be myself?

I can feel the urge,

that people tell you you are going to succumb to.

To not follow anyone.

Will it be harder to resist this urge,

when I am a teen?

Those dreaded teen years.

Will I be able to hold on to all I hold dear?

I already feel trapped in a body that refuses to act

when I tell it to -

I’m thinking and thinking

but I still do nothing.

Will that get even worse when I get older?

Conscience doing nothing but making me feel awful?

I have to resist.

I have to be brave.

Can I do this?

I feel lost in a world where people already think I am

who I try so hard not to be.

What will it be like when I turn thirteen?

What will it be like when I enter high school?

Will I have to think about dating?

Have to disobey my parents?

I already work so hard to not procrastinate -

will all of my work fall away?

Sometimes I think

I shouldn’t become a better person yet -

I’m not supposed.

That’s supposed to come

when I’m an adult.

Ice framing to these delicate lungs,

Spires pointing to the stars above--

The thin membrane over shards is strung

And heartbeats no longer ring as the sound of love;

No, the weak beats only grate,

Sore achy tissue create,

And threaten to tear each breath to shreds,

While sending throbbing torrents towards the head. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, now I can personally confirm Covid is not fun to have. :' ] 

Bella says "yuyee" though. Nice to know someone's enjoying this.

We hope you get well quickly! --admin