the maybe closet 

so look. think i've figured myself out a bit. think i might finally know who i am

ish? but you know, if you were trapped in a big closet (a really big one, mind you) with no clothing racks or coats or dusty suitcases

how would you know it was even a closet?

probably when someone opens it and nails the bars into the walls; probably when someone takes coathangers and puts them to use (dreams upon dreams in every color imaginable

you're shocked that it's only now they're coming to you) 

probably when someone shoves their abandoned suitcase of food for your thoughts into it. so look.

the closet is a closet, now, and it's filling up too quickly i don't think that i'll fit, soon, but the closet keeps changing, help

(i swear that dress was blue before, but now it's green and spaghetti-strapped and i don't know what to do)

i mean, i could always just bust out of here. the door's unlocked; i'm free to go

i won't, though, not until it forcibly ejects me. i'm sure you wouldn't mind, and if i'm statistically that one cousin, maybe you'll believe it, but then again?

maybe you'll ask if i'm sure or if i got peer-pressured into it. maybe you'll tell me it's a phase. maybe you'll tell me that eventually these dreams & thoughts will disappear & i'll just be in a room again

no closet door in sight (because maybe you'll try to tell me it isn't a closet and there's no door to come out of)

so look, i'll stay here for now, thanks, because what if you're right?

~~

idk. i mean, it's accurate? but the "you" pronoun referred to two different people what on earth ahaha

Sometimes I'm cruising fine,

Then life slams me real hard--

WHAM.

Then I'm back in Real Life, 

Still bleeding and torn from

The daydream I was lost in;

Ripped from the clouds of imagination

And plummeting down--

Down 

Down

Down

No room for redemption or reform

Just whacked real hard,

Shattering my glass shield

And embedding the fragments

Deep into every inch of my flesh

As I tumble down a hill built for Sisyphos,

Shrieking as I become Icarus' fall,

Never to be restored

Again 

? 

Spiralling out of control --

Hold on for dear life;

Pretend this... feeling is nothing,

That it doesn't make you feel anything,

That it doesn't hurt and you won't break;

That you won't fall into the void 

Who threatens to gobble you up whole--

All the while scrambling your insides 

And frying your brain 'til you can't think,

Not anymore.

Maybe you wanted it this way,

But it doesn't matter now

Because you make the hard choices

You turned your back -- or at least tried.

You'll wallow and drown in regret for taking action

Despite what everyone always says,

You still feel,

And feel bad at that. 

Random poem I made up:

Sun streams

Hits the trees

Casts a shadow

On the ground  

Yet Still I stand

In this place

Separated

From the craze 

Honestly I don't even know the meaning of this poem but whatever. 

It was bright and bold and never-ending

You say,

A triumph, a shining future, a sign the sun

would never die.

Oh, but when I see that flaming disk

Flying, falling--

Sinking into a sea of ink past the horizon each night

Is it my fault

That my hope falters, my heart trembles and my eyes--

They prepare

To never see light again? 

How can you hold such faith like you do,

Every single

Day? 

How can your beacon of light,

Even in the dark,

Boldly stay?

~~~~~~~~~

Loosely inspired by Luna-Starr's most recent entry in the bi-weekly CB poetry contest!

I envy that simple watercolour palette

You talk in,

With soft blues lighter than a feather, than the sky itself

And greens

That taste of iceberg lettuce and willow-scent

Trailing behind

You, like fairy prints, always drawn to you

And I

Am forced to pry my eyes, glue them to

The opposite wall

Begging the world to give me something

Half as pretty. 

Yes, I've envied you from the moment we met;

For I long for my own

Paint and brush watercolour set.

I love you as a friend,

But when I try to shine like the sun

You reach up and bring me back to the dark--

I know you mean nothing of it,

But you drag me from my happiness

And remind me just how rotten this world can be.

I can't bring myself to leave you;

Alone in that terrifying dark place of incessant harrasment,

I'm afraid you won't be able to cope if I leave.

But how can I pull you out, 

If after emerging, you tug me back into the pit?

~~~~~~~~~~

Actually sorta personal; several things have this effect on me, and it's really hard to part with them. Especially if its people, who you genuinely care about and worry how they'd fair, since they don't have the best support system. I've been trying to sorta draw a clear line between myself and these things for several years, and just- *sigh* I guess looking back, I've gotten pretty fair, but I just wonder if I'm actually drawing the right analogy --actually doing the right thing-- in this kind of situation. Sorry 'bout the rant, no more Real Life for a while, I guess. :/

I will never be enough

For you

And this is no Disney movie

So you

Wiill never see me as more

Than

A failure who should run

Away

Move on, to somewhere

I cannot

Bother you any longer.

And I

Am not a protagonist

Just a quiet kid

Sitting in the back ofclass,

Hood up

Earbuds in

Crying my eyes out

About something stupid

That happened at home.

No I will never be 

ANything more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Definitely a kernel of personal-stuff in there, but dramaticized and repurposed slightly. :/