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Shall I compare thy poem to a chocolate truffle?
It is more profound and thoughtful.
Couldn't resist!
Cloudy, my critiques are beside your poem. They are just some ideas that may help you in your editing process.
Humanity's Loss
Oh don't mind me now
My infinities soar on
Beyond what you know
What does mortal man know?
That the sun shines in the East?
Or sets in the West?
Ignorance is bliss
Mortality runs to deep
Wherr have mortals gone? Do you mean where or wherr?
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone I think that perhaps the
dying without any love the word “Down” might
they left this old Earth fit here somewhere. when
I read this line,
my mind put the word
“Down” with gone.
Just a suggestion.
And yet I stay here
The keeper of their dear World
Welcome to our World
Death tears out the soul
taking to eternity
Driven through their minds
Forget these humans
What are they but skin and bones? Don’t forget souls!
They won't take us far
Goodnight dear humans
You have gone far away
Far, far, far away I know you are trying to do a
three lined paragraph form
but this very last line seems
uneeded. Great poem! It flows
nicely, and leaves you deep
in thought! As rich as chocolate! Ha, I love that line. Now that I made it up, it will appear often around here!
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I meant to say double- O double-u as in WOW.
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I will post the next poem! Please point out any spelling/grammar mistakes if you see them!
Reaching Through the Window
A bird cries maliciously
calling sharply into frigid air.
The trees are pictures,
they stand still, frozen.
They are cold, but
I am hot with frustration.
My fingers are sweating,
though it is beyond freezing.
My window pane is a gateway,
I am the breeze, traveling.
open me up, let me run
free, chilled and bright.
Realization began with a
birdcall, I want to be free.
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Absolutely wonderful Rose Bud! The only thing I see is that when you talk about the trees being still, then you go into your next line , you use they back to back. Perhaps a different word could be used to begin the next line…
Cloudy
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I took your critique to heart, and edited it to this:
Poem; Water Breath (Working Title): By Winter Firefly
Water Breath (a Working Title):I gasp for a breath,
I can not breathe,
Water, water surrounding me,
I breath it in, I can not stop,
I feel it going into my, lungs, limbs,
My heart feels ready to pop,
I see the fins
Of the shark,
I'm drowning, drowning,
Everything goes dark,
My heart is frowning upon the deep blue nothingness,
I see the Treasure sitting there,
Gold glistening,
I remember to beware,
I remember listening,
"Beware the curse,
You will not die, however,
Your life could get much worse,
Your heart will be hurt forever,"
Said she,
The one who sent me on this quest,
I thought, watching the sea,
I sink in awe and airlessness,I dearly want air,
I see my life before my eyes,
Rushing, rushing, rushing by,
I hear the cries,
I can't believe I hear my cry,
Sinking, sinking to the depth,Growing darker darker, all the time,I cant wait for the aftermath,I hear the chime,Lying in my bed,I open my eyes,I saw my life ahead,Then I realized,My thought crystallized,It was a dream, but a mere hallucination,I breath a sigh, as relief washes over me,I stare long at my reflection,It was not she. -
Winter Firefly!!! I love it!! "Water Breath" is a title that pulls you in and makes you want to read. I could get a much better picture of the treasure in my mind! The poem has transformed!
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Thank you for the critique Cloudy! Every critique helps the editing process.
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Thanks Rose Bud!
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Quicksilver, will you post the next poem?
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Rose Bud: Do you know a place to publish poems? My brother read it, and said, and I quote: "Yeah, it sounds like something I would read in High School. You should publish it."
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I cannot give you the websites, but research RATTLE'S young poet's anthology. Also research Stone Soup magazine.
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Okay, then. Anyone who wants to can post the next poem.
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Will someone please post a poem? If you think your poems aren't "good enough" to post on chatterbox, that is nonsence. If you are afraid of the critiques you might get, I will be critiqueing your poems, and there is nothing to worry about. Critiques are just suggestions to help the editing process of a poem. If you have questions, post them! Chances are, someone will have the answer.
Please also post ideas for what we should do on this critique group! If anyone loves poetry as much as I do, then please post a poem so that I may get to know you through your writing! I love working with words, and I am always honored when someone wants me to critique their poem.
All this for a simple top. That is the way I roll 🙂
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which of these two versions do you guys like better? And why?
I could get used to this
The breeze tossing my strands of hair,
The sun melting into the great, wide air,
my own bare feet feeling the sand and
rocks fold downward wherever I press
the ball of my foot in the side of a
sloping wall, created by the tractors
that slide through the soft land.
I am as free in this moment as I allow
myself to be, skipping with awkward,
uneven bounces. My legs shake
themselves loose from intolerable
casing of ice, long sleeves left behind
in the past. I jump into the cloudless
sky, and say with excitement to myself:
“Now this is spring!”
I Could Get Used to This
I am as free in this moment as I allow
myself to be, skipping with uneven bounces.
I jump into the cloudless sky,
and say with excitement to the
assortment of ducks, rustling
on the rippling water:
“Now this is spring!”
Bare feet feel the
sand and rocks fold downward
wherever I press the ball of my foot.
My legs shake themselves loose
from intolerable casing of ice,
long sleeves left behind in the past.
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If you see anything that needs critiquing, please let me know.
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Personally, I prefer the first one. It seems better to begin in the ground and end by leaping into the sky, than the other way around. The concept seems to be a bit more slow going in the second one, like the point takes more time, and you really aren't swept up in the first line. The part about leaving behind long sleeves is absolutely charming. I also find that jumping up toward the clouds is a great was to end it.
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If you don't mind me critiqueing. . .
I like this poem. I'm feeling it here, too. 🙂 Honsetly, I think each version has its own good points. I like the first version because of that one line about the sun – the really caught me and brought me in the moment – and the ending seems final and better – that last line belongs at the end, I think. I like the other version, too, but the fact that the end itsn't as strong makes me shy away from it. If you switched the two stanzas – the first one last and the last one first, I think I would like it better than the other version – though, that line about the sun is amazing. But this is only my idea for somthing that's not my own. You worked on this poem longer and harder than I did. It's awesome.
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