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Things I Learned
Things I Learned from Books:
In the same vein as Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort. A collaborative list. Here's mine:
1: 100% of rumors and legends are true.
2: If you have discovered a secret that will destroy the world, no one will listen to you.
3: First impressions are always correct.
4: If your dog is too important to you it will die tragically.
5: Your mentor will die too. Sorry.
6: Bathrooms have no reason to exist.
7: If someone remarks about a lack of noise, you should be afraid. Very afraid.
8: Likewise, you should be worried if your parents aren't on an extended holiday by chapter 2.
9: If you are an orphan, there is no chance at all that you will be happily adopted in any reasonable amount of time.
10: If someone coughs more than once, it is a sign of being fatally ill.
11: If you keep your plan secret it will succeed. However if you tell everyone involved what it is, it will fail dramatically.
12: Secret codes are always ridiculously easy to crack. But it will take some obscure recollection brought up by a random comment before you realize that the note is in mirror writing.
Continue!
submitted by Emily L., age 16, WA
(October 30, 2011 - 9:21 pm)
(October 30, 2011 - 9:21 pm)
13. When dealing with dangerous, powerful people, it is to your advantage to be between the ages of 10 to 17. If you are younger than 10, you still have a good chance of survival, but your access to resources that will help you prevail will be severely restricted. If you are over 17, you will either die or be forced to watch as everything you cared about ever burns to ash, literally or figuratively, in front of you as a direct consequence of your actions.
14. People with unibrows are automatically evil.
15. You are the hero. Therefore, you can get away with anything that suits your fancy. Do not hesitate to press this advantage. The villain, on the other hand, once dared to run a red light and therefore deserves Punishement.
16. Never take the advice of a pragmatist. Sure, in theory their common sense will help them to survive whatever disaster is taking place, but practically speaking, nine times out of ten they're the second person to die.
17. Should you happen across a reasonably nice, fairly innocent, and rather bland person, make sure that you don't become too emotionally attached. Chances are they're the person who dies first to establish the direness of the situation.
18. Carry a flashlight, penknife, first aide kit, non-perishable food, clean water, and extra batteries AT ALL TIMES.
19. Avoid dressing in black or white. Black makes you evil and likely to die, white makes you too innocent and likely to die tragically.
20. Locate Mary Sues and for gods' sakes get them on your side.
21. If your teenage friend suddenly becomes moody, irritable, shifty, secretive, etc., it is a sign of incoming betrayal, not hormones. Plan accordingly.
22. Plan ahead. When planning ahead, plan for your plan to not actually go according to plan.
23. If someone starts spouting apparent nonsense and begs you to believe them despite all evidence indicating that they need a stint in the cookie jar, take them at their word and do what they say.
24. Everyone always lies. Plan accordingly.
(October 31, 2011 - 11:05 am)
I only have two.
1. If somebody gives you advice, you are 9.999/10 going to not follow it.
2. CARRY ROPE AT ALL TIMES!!!
(October 31, 2011 - 8:50 pm)
Toptoptop.
(October 31, 2011 - 5:31 pm)
I can't see Tiffany W.'s post.. but I'll forget this tomorrow morning.
25. If you fall in love, you will either a) overcome great obstacles and then happily live forever, b) you will find another cute guy, and be torn apart inside, but end up living happily forever, or c) you will just live happily forever. And you'll never, ever get a divorce.
26. The person you are in love with won't die, no matter what you think.
27. Just don't fall in love. It's so much easier.
28. Swords are awesome.
(October 31, 2011 - 9:32 pm)
AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just accidentally deleted 7 really good ones!!!!
You guys made me laugh so unbelievably hard, by the way. :)
Will post tommorow.
(October 31, 2011 - 11:24 pm)
Natty De Terrible has returned!
29. If you are in a long series where it gets worse and worse, then there will be an in creasing amount of random deaths. (Warriors.)
30. If you are in the 1400s, beware of archdeacons in cloaks who spend their time in big scary towers. (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
31. The mean guy is really your best freind, and the most innocent people just so happen to be the villian/henchman. (Harry Potter.)
32. If you are in a bad position, you will be fine. If there is nothing wrong, you may die. (Everything.)
33. Jerks are innocent, though they may be mean. Know-it-all jerks, however, turn out to be just fine. (Harry Potter.)
34. Crows who grab arrows are evil. (The Sword in the Stone.)
35. Suspicious people are innocent. (Everything.)
36. Flashlights die as soon as you need them. (everything.)
37. If a thing that crushes walls is chasing you, run to a wall, then get out of the way. Then run through the wall. (everything.)
Vick says rehx.
~~~NDT~~~
(November 1, 2011 - 5:22 pm)
Things I Have Learnt From Fantastical And Scientifictional Literature
Or
Some Simple Tips For Being The Hero
(Or Heroine)
In A Work Of Fantasy Or Scientifiction
~
1. Horses Do Not Need Food. Really. We Mean It.
2. Or Water.
3. Or Rest.
4. Horses Are A Type of Plant.
5. Magical People Are Better.
6. It Does Not Matter How Much We Harp On The Idea That They Aren't. They Are. Demonstrably So.
7. Readheads Are, Invariably, Good.
8. Also They Are Magical.
9. Magical Redheads Are The Best Of All.
10. Adults Are Useless.
11. Unless They Are Your Wise Mentor.
12. Who Will Probably End Up Being Pretty Useless Himself, Actually.
13. Your Wise Mentor Will Die By The End Of The Second Book.
14. He May Or May Not Come Back To Life.
15. Your Parents? Are Not Who You Think They Are.
16. Also, They Are Dead.
17. But You Knew That, Didn't You?
18. Because All Good Parents Die.
19. If Female, You Will Develop A Distressing Inability To Know Your Own Mind On Matters of Romance.
20. Because, OMG, Both Of The Guys Who Like You Are So Hot.
21. And You Love Them Both.
22. Food Is Stew.
23. Or Bread.
24. Magic Is Hard.
25. Except That For You, It's Like Breathing.
26. Except Easier.
27. Weapons Are Hard.
28. Except That Your Sword/Bow/Spear Is Like An Extension Of Your Hand.
29. Beautiful People Are Good.
30. Ugly People Are Evil.
31. If A Person Appears To Be Both Ugly And Good, Then He Is Not In His True Form.
32. You Will Be Stunned By His True Form.
33. Or Else He's A Double Agent For Evil.
34. You Will Not Encounter Your Archnemisis Until The Third
35. (Or Possibly Fifth)
36. Book Of The Trilogy.
37. Humans Are Not As Cool.
38. Fortunately For You, You Aren't Entirely Human.
39. Whatever You Are, You Are Prettier, Better At Magic, And Longer-Lived.
40. You Are Not Necessarily, However, Smarter.
41. To Be Continued.
42. Maybe.
~
Gah, Can't Stop Typing In Golem Voice! Curses!
Not Sure If That Was Quite What You Were Looking For - But That Was Fun!
(November 1, 2011 - 5:12 pm)
Snake likee this thread. ;)
(November 2, 2011 - 7:47 am)
Hahaha! Love it! Especially "Horses are a type of plant."
(Dare someone to write a story that contradicts every single thing on that list.)
(November 2, 2011 - 4:53 pm)
This is hilarious! :) Sadly, I'm not good at these things. :(
(November 3, 2011 - 11:13 am)
Credit where it's due: the idea of horses = plants is from DWJ's Tough Guide to Fantasyland, which is great fun and comes highly recommended.
(November 5, 2011 - 9:17 pm)
1. Every single time, it's the girl who has to choose between the two incredibly hot boys. The boy never has to choose between two incredibly hot girls, unless it's Shakespeare. (At least in my experience. Someone please find a book where the boy has to choose, so I can shove it in my romance novel Meg Cabot reading friends.)
2. The person who isn't quite your best friend, but almost your best friend, and is incredibly nice (depends on the situation) and not in the least bit suspicious, is a TRAITOR and is trying to BRING YOU DOWN.
3. It is always you who has all the extra talent and special destiny and whatnot. You are the one with an unknown parentage, the most powerful magic, the heartbreaking story. Every. Single. Time. Unless, possibly, it's a series, and some of the books are from the point of view of the less talented people.
4. You won't die. Don't worry. Especially if you are telling the story in first person. (However, Darren Shan's "Bec" does contradict this, but the entire book was background for the other Demonata books.)
5. I quote the 39 clues, "Trust No One."
(November 3, 2011 - 3:46 pm)
yay!! 39 clues reference! :D
I <3 those books. all of them. and also the Cahills vs. Vespers ones too. :)
Here's some:
1. If you are a girl, you will (95% of the time) discover that the beautiful family heirloom that's been passed down from generation to generation is actually a magical artifact, and you have to use it to save the world.
2. In the end, no matter who the heck you are, you will end up having to save the world.
3. Your Magical abilities and/or artifacts will help you with this.
4. The only problem is that
5. The bad guy bent on world domination has even more magic power and/or artifacts.
6. But don't worry,
7. Because you will discover (in the midst of a battle, most likely) that you are some kind of miracle kid from an age old prophecy.
8. Your powers will go far beyond normalcy amongst the other magical people.
9. You will end up (after all your struggling) saving the world,
10. And the evil dude will be vanquished.
11. Though probably not permanently,
12. Because he needs to be able to come back in the next book.
(November 4, 2011 - 7:54 am)
Are you dissing Meg Cabot?!?!?!?!
(November 7, 2011 - 9:38 pm)
Not totally sure if this counts, but 24, first season?
(November 8, 2011 - 1:18 am)