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Royal Flames
Royal Flames
Alright, so I am trying to write a story right now, but would love your constructive criticism/tips/advice. I'm not posting under my original CB name.. Just... Because. But you can guess if you'd like. Here's the first part of the story:
A fifteen year old girl panted as she darted through the woods, traveling over fallen logs and exposed roots. Glancing back, she saw five men in uniform running after her.
"Stop!" one of them yelled. She did the opposite. Her feet pounded against the ground, survival driving her. She thought her ears were tricking her when she heard the sound of hoofs hitting the ground with such fury and speed it made the the trees tremble.
The restrainers! The thought shook her mind with terror. Her thoughts involuntarily flashed back to her sister telling her of the mysterious law-men known only as the restrainers.
"No one has ever seen the restrainers and told about it," her older sister had said.
"You mean they don't talk about it?" the girl asked.
"No. They were never seen again."
The sound got louder until the girl could see three horses and their riders.
No, no, no! This can't be happening, she thought, trying to find somewhere to go. There was nowhere. The rider on the lead horse spoke as she was grabbed from behind.
"Eliza Cartleton, you are coming with us."
A sweet smelling chemical wafted up her nose as she screamed her protests, eyes misting as her vision blurred.
"No," she whispered before her head hit the ground.
submitted by Blank
(December 27, 2016 - 1:33 pm)
(December 27, 2016 - 1:33 pm)
Wow, Admins, that was quick, thanks!
(December 27, 2016 - 2:06 pm)
(December 27, 2016 - 2:07 pm)
(December 27, 2016 - 2:19 pm)
nice
(December 27, 2016 - 7:04 pm)
Thanks!
(December 28, 2016 - 10:54 am)
Yay! Coolio!
(December 28, 2016 - 9:33 am)
Thanks!
(December 28, 2016 - 2:10 pm)
I thought it was cool, but has a few blurs.
It's kind of confusing, but I know what your getting at.
(December 28, 2016 - 9:35 am)
Thanks for the input! It's just a rough draft, do I definitely have a lot of kinks to work out. Thanks again!
(December 28, 2016 - 1:42 pm)
(December 28, 2016 - 10:30 am)
Wow that's soooo good! Do you have any tips on writing stories? That's really amazing.
(December 28, 2016 - 5:13 pm)
Thanks! One of my methods is to just get all of my ideas down on the page and then work on tweaking it and revising it. I don't really know, lol.
(December 28, 2016 - 10:12 pm)
The next part is in progress and I'll try to post it soon.
(December 29, 2016 - 2:38 pm)
I love it so far!!!!!!! A few reccomendations if you want them:
"Her feet pounded against the ground, survival driving her"
I don't think survival is the word you want. The meaning doesn't really fit into the sentence. Survival instincts maybe? You can also put a strong emotion in a case like this (fear,anger, etc.).
"The restrainers! The thought shook her mind with terror. Her thoughts involuntarily flashed back to her sister telling her of the mysterious law-men known only as the restrainers."
This time, the sentence makes perfect sense, but using "thought" and "thoughts" so close to each other confuses it. Maybe instead of the first "thought" you could use "words" or "image". And if you want to make it a bit more intense for the reader, you can put a scary connotation word like terrifying, frightful, horrifying, etc. before it.
"The sound got louder until the girl could see three horses and their riders"
This sentence makes it sound like they're in front of her instead of pursuing her. I liked that you put "glancing back" in the second sentence, and you can easily do it again.
"The sound got louder until the girl could see three horses and their riders when she glanced back/looked quickly back." makes a bit more sense. If you want to describe the riders a bit more, you can put "chasing relentlessly after her" or something else like that too.
"No, no, no! This can't be happening, she thought, trying to find somewhere to go."
"Somewhere to go" is very vague. Trying to find somewhere to hide, trying desperately to escape the quickly approaching riders, trying to find another way to run, etc. could work too.
"There was nowhere to go."
Also vague.
"A sweet smeeling chemical wafted up her nose as she screamed her protests, eyes misting as her vision blurred."
"eyes misting as her vision blurred" seems mixed up. Wouldn't her vision blur if her eyes were misting? Not the other way around?
"'No' she whispered before her head hit the ground."
Very intense ending. I love it.
Last note: this is really amazing for a rough draft!!!!! I loved reading it, and am really excited for the next part. Keep it up!!!
(December 29, 2016 - 10:41 pm)
Thank you very much for your tips! It's definitely a work in progress XD. my rough drafts are usually really messed up until I can revise it. I'll probably work on revising it after I get farther along in the story. Anyway, thanks again, and the next part will hopefully be posted today or tomorrow.
Ps. If anyone wants to guess me, you can.
(December 30, 2016 - 10:43 am)