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Royal Flames
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Royal Flames
Royal Flames
Alright, so I am trying to write a story right now, but would love your constructive criticism/tips/advice. I'm not posting under my original CB name.. Just... Because. But you can guess if you'd like. Here's the first part of the story:
A fifteen year old girl panted as she darted through the woods, traveling over fallen logs and exposed roots. Glancing back, she saw five men in uniform running after her.
"Stop!" one of them yelled. She did the opposite. Her feet pounded against the ground, survival driving her. She thought her ears were tricking her when she heard the sound of hoofs hitting the ground with such fury and speed it made the the trees tremble.
The restrainers! The thought shook her mind with terror. Her thoughts involuntarily flashed back to her sister telling her of the mysterious law-men known only as the restrainers.
"No one has ever seen the restrainers and told about it," her older sister had said.
"You mean they don't talk about it?" the girl asked.
"No. They were never seen again."
The sound got louder until the girl could see three horses and their riders.
No, no, no! This can't be happening, she thought, trying to find somewhere to go. There was nowhere. The rider on the lead horse spoke as she was grabbed from behind.
"Eliza Cartleton, you are coming with us."
A sweet smelling chemical wafted up her nose as she screamed her protests, eyes misting as her vision blurred.
"No," she whispered before her head hit the ground.
submitted by Blank
(December 27, 2016 - 1:33 pm)
(December 27, 2016 - 1:33 pm)
Let me guess, Inktail? No! Clouded Lepord. I don't know!!!!
(December 30, 2016 - 3:33 pm)
Nope and nope. Thanks for guessing though.
(December 30, 2016 - 5:13 pm)
I'm honored! :D
But no, not me! ;)
Danie? Brookeria? Leeli? September? BookBug? Icy? Oh no, er...nvm..
(December 31, 2016 - 12:48 am)
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope and nope. Thanks for guessing tho! I wish I was as good if writers as they are tho!
(December 31, 2016 - 11:33 am)
Something I forgot to mention in my previous post is that the riders are actually in front of her, but she can't pinpoint exactly where. Sorry it's really confusing, this is only my first go at writing it.
(December 30, 2016 - 1:58 pm)
This is a great story so far! Definitely keep writing more and posting it (I want to read more!!!)!
gaii
(December 30, 2016 - 3:43 pm)
Thanks the next part is nearly finished.
(December 30, 2016 - 5:13 pm)
Ok, here's the next part:
PART TWO:
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"Eliza, run," an older girl crouched behind large metal barrels whispered.
"But, Cari," the small girl whimpered. She didn't understand what was going on.
"Just go!"
Eliza got up and dashed away, looking back to see her beloved sister shot down by the men only known as the Restrainers.
"No!" she screamed, frozen in terror. The men raced towards her, one of them drawing his gun level with her chest. Bang!
Eliza gasped and bolted into a sitting position, immediately regretting doing so. She clutched her head and slammed her eyes shut to stop the world from spinning.
Just a dream. It was just a dream. She cautiously opened her eyes, looking around at her current surroundings. She was on a sort of metal bed in a room with cement walls. Eliza belatedly noticed that she was wearing a white cotton dress instead of her normal ripped jeans and black tee-shirt.
How did I get here? What happened to me? Why am I wearing this? Her thoughts went in circles until she was startled out of them by a metal door opening. Three men walked in, one in a lab coat, and the other two in a uniform that looked all too familiar to Eliza.
"Well, Miss Cartleton, it seems you have awoken. We may finally begin," the man in the lab coat said.
"Begin what?" she inquired quietly.
"Begin the testing."
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The next part should be posted in a few days. If you have any pointers, critique, or want to guess me, go right ahead! This is just a rough draft, so I haven't had a chance to revise it yet. Oh well. Hope you like it!
(December 30, 2016 - 11:11 pm)
I liked it, but I think she needs a name.
(December 31, 2016 - 8:36 am)
What do you mean?
(December 31, 2016 - 11:33 am)
Um...are you Kestrel? Inktail? Leeli?
(December 31, 2016 - 4:30 pm)
Your guesses have complimented me so much, I wish I was as good of writers as them. Thanks for guessing, but nope.
(December 31, 2016 - 5:13 pm)
(January 2, 2017 - 5:08 pm)
Ok, so the next part should be posted by Thursday. I'm working on it. Thanks for topping it, mysterious topper. Have a good night!
(January 2, 2017 - 5:38 pm)
Ok, so the next part should be posted by Thursday. I'm working on it. Thanks for topping it, mysterious topper. Have a good night!
(January 2, 2017 - 5:38 pm)