I don't... like my friends.

I have these three friends, S, H, and C, right? We all became friends at the beginning of seventh grade, just out of lockdown.  After not seeing my close-ish friends from elementary for two years, I found it hard to talk to them, we had become different people and just that huge COVID gap totally wrecked our previously great relationship. The reason S, H, and C and I became friends is mostly just that we had a few things/activities in common and sort of started eating lunch together and doing fRiEnD sTuFf, but I think the reason that is is because no one else liked us, or we were just too shy to talk to anyone else.   So we fell into each other because we had nowhere else to go.

C has autism, anxiety and depression, and has a hard time reading social cues.  I have no problem with any of that (I too have anxiety and a hard time socially, and i may have autism and i have depressive symptoms.)  However that caused C to overestimate our friendship.  They think we're super close best friends and... I think we're acquaintances.  

Which is just so hard, you know?

Not only that but C is going through a really tough time in life, and like... i know friends are supposed to be there for each other and stuff, right?  But even though they're under MUCH more stress than I am, I still have my stressors, and I really don't think I can handle C's emotional burden.  I don't want to deal with it, and that sounds really mean, especially since C thinks we're the best of friends.  But I don't think we're the best of friends, you know?  I barely think we're friends at all and I just... augh.

Also: S and H both dislike C.  And literally everyone else in my grade.  Which makes things twenty jillion times harder. 

S I can relate to more than my other friends, but she also has a hard time socially, in a totally different way than C.  C is sort of blind to social situations, boundaries, eveything like that-- S has some struggles there, but mostly she's just really closed off and not sure how to connect.  I know she doesn't like C, but I also don't think she likes H or me anymore.  I've noticed the past few weeks she's been acting more down than usual too.  I think she, like myself, is starkly aware of the difference between our friend group and the rest of the school-- and how we're kind of like the loser group, composed of people nobody else really likes-- though actually I think some people in my grade actually do like S, just not C or H (and probably not me either, but i do have these strained awkward relations with people everybody likes who I used to call friends but just haven't talked to in years.)

None of them are mean and rude or anything, it's just I don't really... like hanging out with them.  And I'm really, really trying not to let other people's opinions shape mine.  There are a lot of popular kids (popular as in just everybody likes them cause they're super nice and funny-- not like Regina G style) comprised of people I used to be friends with but don't know anymore, and people who are just so funny and nice and just happy all the time, who I just desperately, desperately want to be friends with and join, and just every day I feel so lonely and upset, and I just feel so bad about myself.  Even though I think I don't really like hanging out with my friends genuinely, the fact that I am part of a "loser group" and that I just feel so lonely and left out all the time definitely colors some of my thinking.  And then I feel worse because of that.

I'm never happy. Some days, just a little less sad than others.

one of my classmate has told me several times that they like me and i dont know what to do

they told me that they wanted me to be their girlfriend and they think i said yes but i didnt

we had a compliment slides for our class and they said they couldnt imagine life without me

i dont know what to do 

Today I got an email on my school computer from a boy in my grade. It said "will you be my girlfrend". (Yes, there were no caps and friend was spelled wrong). I don't know if this is a prank or dare. He is a decent guy, but I don't like him like that. (One of the few decent guys in my grade). I know I need to tell him something, but I'm not quite sure what to say. I don't want to email him back; I'd rather say it in person because the school moniters our emails. I'm not sure when the best time is or what to say. Any thoughts? 

Did I just see this sliding off the front page?!

Captcha says <mapcg> What on earth is cg, and how would I map it? 

My friends… Haven't gotten better.

They're better about my writing, I guess, but just don't generally respect me, and it's impossible to stand up to them because they don't care. Today I got mad at one of them, A, for a small petty thing and exploded because it was like a buildup of my anger at him for his lack of respect for me overall… A and the rest of my friends were a little surprised, but they still neglected to take it seriously and instead just expressed that they were proud of me for "finally standing up for myself" and saying they "knew I'd burst eventually." 

Honestly, though, I've stood up for myself before. I've pointed out that they lack respect for me, and I've told them that's not okay. I'm a very perceptive person, so I know exactly why, too - they're depressed, insecure, and insensitive. And honestly, they're really not all bad - only a few of them are like this, and even the ones who lack respect for me have proved they can be empathetic and kind. The problem is, they're only empathetic and kind just enough for me to make excuses for them and never ditch them. Also, when I do stand up for myself, they don't take me seriously. They don't get me at all.

I can't ditch them, though. I don't have other friends, and nobody else is particularly interesting. These are the only people who I know for sure will understand parts of me nobody else does (my introvertedness, my fangirling, my fidgeting, and the possibility that I might be queer, for example). And I really want to believe my friends are good people. But they don't care about anything and it's starting to feel like they don't even care about me. I just need them to take something seriously for once, and everything will be okay.