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I feel very
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
submitted by Maggie
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
Technically this doesn't belong on this thread but I have a lot to say and very little time to say it so it's going on this thread.
1. I took the SATs earlier today. Yes, I am in 7th grade. I qualified for Duke TIP in Language Arts and so...yeah. I will have to take them again in high school though.
2. My parents are mocking the fact that I have depression. Like, I absolutely have to be perfect at something or else I won't do it, and they're refusing to believe me and saying I'm just being lazy.
3. Brikena is basically my best friend right now.
4. Lots of poetry. I will post it if I get the chance.
5. I had, um, an episode and it was actually serious and my parents found out 'cause I told my counselor and she told them and my mom, last night, said, "Maggie you need to be asleep by the time Rick and I (Rick is my stepdad) go to bed, because we wouldn't want you to have another episode" and the way she said it was just so mocking and ughhh.
(December 7, 2013 - 4:17 pm)
1. Good job!
2. Your parents seem like lovely people. I am imagining what I'd like to tell them if I had a chance. Such lovely words. Parents aside, I know it would be really, really hard for you, but you should try to do things even if you aren't perfect at them. Man, I really wish I knew what to say! One of my friends is amazing and I'm constantly sending her emails the size of Wisconsin and she always manages to take my convulted problems and straighten them out! (The last email I sent her was 955 words. Wowza.) I wish I could be like her. I feel really bad when I don't know what to do to help you besides say, "Well, I know it's bad, but suck it up and keep going." If you would like, I could tell her about you and see if she has anything to help.
3. I feel really sorry, but I don't know who/what Brikena is. Did you mention her/him/it before?
4. I'm going to move on before I say anything stupid.
5. Did you try to hurt yourself? I doubt it because parents really freak out about stuff like that. I don't know what happened, but I think it would be good if you would be able to address your mother. You could ask her if it would be all right if you two could talk about something, and wait until she's done with whatever she's doing so you could occupy her whole attention. You could then say something like, "Mom, I feel like you're mocking me for having an episode and having depression. I wish you could be more supportive of me. I don't like it when you [give examples]. Instead, I would prefer if you could do [however you would like your mother to be]. Would this be all right with you?" If you're very calm and reasonable, I'm sure she'll agree to listen to what you have to say.
(December 7, 2013 - 9:43 pm)
2.I explained badly. It's not just that I don't LIKE doing things I'm bad at, it's that I will start crying when forced to do something I'm bad at. Could you tell your friend about me? That'd be great.
3. Brikena: is better friends w/ Tiara than me, and is incredibly awesome. Good at listening.
5. No it was a different kind of episode. Worse than trying to hurt myself. I've tryed to tell my mom that I don't like her attitude regarding my mental health but she doesn't listen and then I yell at her and then I get grounded.
(December 9, 2013 - 12:44 pm)
2. Do you know why you're crying? What about it makes you cry? I'll tell my friend and hopefully she'll get back to me soon.
3. Good listeners are admirable. Sometimes just discussing things or writing things down help you figure out solutions to your problems.
5. Well, I hate to lecture, but yelling at people really isn't a good way to get what you want. Perhaps you could write her a letter explaining how you feel? Or you could ask her why she doesn't want to listen to you. She may be feeling really stressed out between you and your sister and maybe she's hoping you have a less serious condition than your sister because she doesn't feel like she could handle both of you being very depressed.
If you ever want to chat with me sometime, we could meet up somewhere on a different website if you'd like.
(December 9, 2013 - 7:25 pm)
I was bullied for my lack of drawing ability in elementary school and so the simple thought of drawing is rather traumatizing. I know I should probably tell my teachers, because there are SO many freaking drawing assignments, and one of these days they're going to realize that it isn't my work , and maybe they'll excuse me if I explain. Right now I just have my dad or my sister do them for me, but I can't keep doing that forever.
I don't have a "less serious" condition than Tess. Tess actually wants to get better. I, on the other hand, don't. My mom is basically all of my self-hate and all the abuse I get from my own brain put into human form. Basically this was my evening: I mentioned I had a drawing assignment and I couldn't do it. She yelled at me and I started crying and she called my dad and had him come over and help me w/ it. She claims she wants me to get better, but if she did she wouldn't yell at me.
Hmm...I don't know. I'm pretty sure the Admins are only comfortable with people sharing their NaNo usernames.
Right.
Admin
(December 9, 2013 - 11:41 pm)
Maggie. You need to stop having your family members doing your drawing assignments. If you're planning on taking IB in high school, if someone finds out that your sister or father is drawing, you'll be kicked out of the program. IB is really, really serious about academic integrity and this kind of thing could have really, really serious consequences. You need to talk to your teachers. As soon as posible. I'm being dead serious over here. This is really, really important for your academic future.
An argument is like a fence. It has two sides to it and until you can see both sides of the fence, you can't understand the problem at hand. I really, really think you need to try considering this from your mother's point of view and talk with her to help figure things out.
(December 10, 2013 - 10:05 am)
I emailed both of my teachers that assign drawing stuff. One of them (Humanities teacher) emailed me back and said it's fine but I should've mentioned it sooner. My language arts teacher has not yet replied. Right now, at this time in my life, I highly doubt I'll make to my freshman year, let alone next week. I swear I'm trying as hard as I can in school.
My mom doesn't listen to me. At ALL.
(December 10, 2013 - 10:05 pm)
Good job! I'm proud that you emailed your teachers and got that cleared up right away. Don't worry if school is really hard right now. It's just about the end of the quarter/semester, which means that school will be pretty crazy for a couple of weeks.
There really isn't anything I can do for you with your mother. Perhaps you could ask your sister to help talk to her?
(December 11, 2013 - 6:51 pm)
I feel like I need to explain something. I'm not shallow, because that would involve actually liking myself. I actually have so little self-esteem that I'm confident, if that makes sense. I have low self-esteem, and I need to know that even though I don't like myself, other people do. Basically, I crave compliments, but then I think that whoever complimented me is lying, just so I'll shut up and stop talking about how *bleep*ing messed up I am all the time. This is because compliments : depression :: Phalanxifor : cancer, which is to say that it stops it from getting worse without actually making it any better.
This will sound weird, but I feel like it's my job, at school, and on Instagram, and on tumblr, to help depressed people. That's what I do with my free time now. It makes me feel like I've got a purpose. The only reason I help kids at school is because I read some rather depressing poetry to my language arts class (one of these poems I posted on Inkwell maybe fifteen minutes ago) and now the other depressed kids in my language arts class talk to me about depression and other similar things.
I'm not
lazy, far from it. I can't let myself recover from depression because
then I won't be motivated, and then I'll be lazy, and then I'll hate
myself. Do you see my logic? Depression logic is
weird.
Spammy says: bmww
(December 7, 2013 - 4:42 pm)
I solemnly promise that I will not lie to you about anything.
I completely understand about the job thingymajig and even though I assume you're going to hate me by the end of this paragraph, I am going to say this anyway. For me, I like easing other people's discomfort because it means there's a little bit less sadness and hatred in the worlds. I also like seeing other being's misfortunes because it's just so very nice to see problems I don't have. I can think, "hey, that's not happening to me!" and be happy and then of course I punish myself for being happy and then Storm punishes me for punishing me, and I think you get the idea. In the end we're all unhappy and I'm confused on what I am and what I should be. Anyway, at school I'm called the "therapist" (someone even said she would give me a mug that said "World's Best Therapist" for my birthday. I find it funny that I'm only fourteen, yet already getting mugs for my birthday. It's not like I'm particularly fond of them.). I know the Admins don't want me to talk about this, but because I think I can travel into worlds of books, movies, etc. I go into them to help underloved characters feel better and have friends. Bonus points if they're actually a demon. A number of antagonists have really unhappy lives. Have you noticed? I spend a great deal of time going around helping them. I feel like I have an obligation to, especially if the author is annoying enough to not fix their character's problems or provide an outlet. I generally enjoy this unless the person I'm helping is a total pain-in-the-butt. (I'm not talking about you.)
My own logic is pretty weird, but to me, I think being completely unmotivated is better than depression.
(December 7, 2013 - 9:59 pm)
You do realize that there is no way that I could ever hate you, right? There are no words to accurately describe just how amazing you are. Your opinion is one of the few that means anything to me right now, because you actually understand what I'm going through, unlike my actual therapist.
Regarding the whole job thing: I'm not sure why I like it, or why I'm so good at it. Possibly because I'm messed up too, and I'm in a bad place too, and so I know how the people I help feel.
And regarding my whole motivation/depression issue: I am veryeryvery depressed. I really really hate myself. I get enough abuse from my brain when I'm trying my very hardest to perform well in school and stuff. If I were to stop applying myself, I'd probably go crazy from getting even more abuse from my brain. So this self-hate is a lovely motivator. If I were to stop being depressed, I wouldn't be motivated, because before I was depressed (basically the first 8 years of my life) I was incredibly unmotivated in school, so I wouldn't be motivated to do my schoolwork if I were to stop being so depressed.
(December 9, 2013 - 1:55 pm)
I continue to be amazed that people don't hate me. That is one of the most flummoxing things about you humans.
Storm is my self-hate, just reincarneted into a much, much scarier form. I was afraid of him when he was still a part of me. When I was a little kid, I used to pretend I was like Gollum, and we were Gollum's two personalities. Then he split off and- um. Stuff happened. Yeah. Moving on. Words of advice: Don't become schizophrenic, okay?
Have you really been depressed for four years?
Self-motivation is all very well, and all, but if you're hurting yourself- I have no advice. I haven't been able to get rid of Storm and I've been trying for, what, ten, eleven years now? I don't think I can get rid of him outside of medicine. There is medication for depression, supposedly. My mother takes it and it makes her feel a little better but she says she still feels like she's living in a "world of gray". That's probably the best bet, really.
Self-hatred is really freaky. I can't remember a time when I didn't hate myself and I wanted to get rid of the hatred. I mean, I know I should probably try to not hate myself. But I can't think why I should want to and get rid of Storm. Other than the fact that he scares me. But really, almost everything scares me.
(December 9, 2013 - 7:41 pm)
I can remember having an inferiority complex since possibly preschool, and I haven't had ANY self-esteem since I was eight. But the depression only got really bad last year. I was misdiagnosed with cyclothymia, because I'm bad at accurately describing my thought process/mentality, so I'm on a mood stabilizer as of 12/2. I'm not hurting myself...not really. I've just been drawing all over my arms. It helps, but my mom noticed and yelled at me. Why do you hate yourself? You're pretty amazing, if you ask me (although my opinion isn't worth much). I wish I didn't have self-esteem issues, because that's one of the things that drives people away from me, but I just can't figure out exactly HOW to do that. Even on the rare occasion that I actually think I'm smart, someone (*cough*Ben*cough*) will always make some snide remark about how stupid I am, effectively ending my moment of happiness.
(December 9, 2013 - 11:51 pm)
I'm a little confused about something. You said that drawing is traumatizing to you, but drawing on your arms helps you feel better. I'm not sure I follow this. Why doesn't drawing on your arms traumatize you, or does it, and you're drawing to punish yourself.
Why do you hate yourself? I can't see anything wrong with you.
I take it Ben is part of the spieces preteenus idiotus. (That's amazing Latin right there. I am very proud of that amazing Latin.) The best things to do are ignore them, laugh at them, laugh evilly at them (it can really freak them out. True story.), make up a witty comeback that you can either say aloud or just gloat over in your head, or make him your personal archenemy that you will hate for years afterwards and you will constantly torment his every waking moment. I don't really suggest that last option, unless you really, really, really dislike that guy.
(December 10, 2013 - 10:11 am)
I don't like the idea of drawing for homework or class work or projects.
1. I have acne 2. I'm not smart enough for the IB program. I need to drop out of the IB program; it's way too stressful 3. I'm not nice in real life 4. Why should I like myself? No one else does.
Yes. He's a sixth grader. He's in Battle of the Books with me. He's not nice and he's a lot like this guy I know. This guy I know, he's nice NOW, but he wasn't nice last year.
I only got half of my homework done last night because I was so stressed I couldn't even think. I am NOT looking forward to Latin class.
(December 11, 2013 - 12:53 pm)