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I feel very
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
submitted by Maggie
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
2. An 81 is a C. That's really really bad. I have to get all A's or else I'll hate myself even more. Maybe no one else thinks I'm an awful person, but I feel like a terrible person. I'm not quite sure why, but I do. Everything else is true, but I'm still incredibly paranoid. Thanks to you guys, I have a little bit of self-esteem sometimes. But I still feel like everyone hates me (even though they obviously don't) because I hate myself so they should too. I just...don't feel like I'm a very nice person. You wouldn't want to meet me irl. I'm awkward. Unimaginably awkward. In the small portion of my brain that's still rational, I can see that people do not, in fact, hate me. That portion of my brain is usually asleep, though. The thing is, I feel like I'm a terrible person. This is the one thing that will never change. Maybe someday I'll believe I'm pretty, but I will NEVER believe that I'm nice. I will never believe that I'm worth it. It's not by choice, though. I want to be able to accept compliments, but I can't, because I don't believe them. Ruby, why on earth do you hate yourself? Seriously, why? You're one of the nicest people I've ever met.
(December 25, 2013 - 8:10 am)
An 81 is a B-, according to most school's grading systems. Even if you get a low grade in one class, it won't matter for college. Don't get mad at yourself for a teacher's mistake; it's the teacher's fault, not yours. Anyway, being pleasant isn't the most important thing in the world. Don't worry about it. If you're rotten to people but are happy about it, it's better than being popular and miserable. Just be yourself and stop worrying about what other people think of you. It's not the end of the world if someone dislikes you. Being "pretty" or "nice" doesn't mean anything. I know people who are often considered ugly and oftentimes rude or mean. But they're funny and creative and have definite personalities and I think they're awesome. You're awesome, no matter what you look like or how "nice" you try to be.
The reasons I hate myself are complicated and I'm not sure that the Admins would be comfortable with me explaining. Very long story short, Storm forced me to turn against myself at a young age as a defense mechanism.
(December 26, 2013 - 12:36 am)
In my school system an A is 100-93, a B is 92-85, a C is 84-77, a D is 76-70, and an F is <70. And for me, an 81 really is failing. My parents drilled it into me that if I were to get anything less than a 90, I would be considered stupid. I'm a nice person most of the time. The rational part if my brain acknowledges the fact that most people seem to like me. But then the messed-up part (which is most of my brain) is just like "NO YOU ARE NOT A NICE PERSON YOU ARE AWFUL AND EVERYONE HATES YOU GO DIE IN A HOLE." So basically, I know I'm a nice person but I don't feel like a nice person.
A defense mechanism??? That's....huh.
(pleasepleaseplease don't yell at me I'm sorry I couldn't I'm sorry)
(December 26, 2013 - 10:35 am)
I'm sorry I got angry at you. I wasn't mad at you, just that one thought you had. You need to not hurt yourself, purely from the amount of trouble you get into.
Your parents are a lovely word I have never said but have heard from Red a couple of times that is most certainly not CB-appropriate.
You don't need to apologize for everything you do. I don't mind if you act like yourself around me. You can apologize to others, if you want, but you don't have to try to apologize to me. I know you're not trying to offend me or others. If I act annoyed, I'm only trying to stress something or grab your attention.
I have to do a number of unpleasant things and I wouldn't be able to accomplish any of my goals without a very strong set of morals and defences.
(December 27, 2013 - 11:32 am)
I won't get in trouble. It's the palms of my hands no one thinks of that. But I promise I'll try to not hurt myself.
ahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I was about to say that in the very small rational part of my brain I can see that my opinion is not worthless and I can see that people actually value my opinion, but I can't say that, because I genuinely do not feel that anyone values my opinion. My opinion is worth less than nothing and I don't even have a particularly educated opinion. I'm not worth your time. I'm more insecure than could possibly be healthy and I'm not even trying to do anything about it because I'm the laziest person in the history of the human race.
Talking to you is kind of the highlight of my day. I am dead serious. I don't usually lie to people about my opinion of them, and I'd certainly never lie to you.
(December 27, 2013 - 1:52 pm)
Finally! I made you laugh! Yes! Victory is mine!
I don't think your opnion is less than nothing. No opnion is better than any other opnion, they're just opinions. It doesn't matter if you have an uneducated opinion, really. This is just a friendly website where you can say what you like as long as it is not offensive or inappropriate for young readers. Most of the things you give opinions on, you are educated in them. I decide what's worth my time and what's not and then pitch large battles with various other people who would like to be doing other things with my time. I don't think you're not worth my time. And, believe me, you by far not the laziest human in the history of the human race. And you do know in some part of your mind that people like you, which is doing something about your insecurity. You talk to people you like, and that is doing something because they help you feel better.
I'm flattered. I like talking to you too. I guess this means I shall have to check here more diligently.
(December 27, 2013 - 9:36 pm)
Basically every single one of my opinions is uneducated. I just...I edit myself quite a bit before I post anything. So...you aren't exactly seeing irl me. You're seeing a much less awkward version of irl me. Who I'm talking to makes no difference. I'm always really insecure around everyone, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
....wait. How is it worthwhile to talk to me? I don't think I'm particularly interesting, I'm not all that funny, I'm not smart, etc. And also I'm not getting better and I will never get better, because I'm pretty sure my psychiatrist misdiagnosed me and therefore prescribed me the wrong drug.
Really, the rational part of my brain is very small. (By "rational" I mean the part of me that realizes that people don't hate me.) It just sort of sleeps most of the time and occasionally, always on my good days, whispers, "you're really not a bad person you know" but then when I really need this part of my brain on my bad days, it's asleep.
Does it sound odd that talking to people whose opinions I value makes me feel worse?
(December 28, 2013 - 12:34 am)
It's worthwhile for me to talk to you because I like talking to you and I consider most things I like doing worthwhile. If you say you're never going to get better, of course you won't get better. If you think your psychiatrist misdiagnosed you, you should try to talk to him/her to see if they made a mistake or not.
No, it doesn't sound odd at all.
(December 28, 2013 - 4:39 pm)
...huh. I guess I need to revise my opinion of myself, then.
She made a mistake, because the mood stabilizer was supposed to start working by now and it's made me worse.
I find it hard to be myself around people whose opinions I value because it matters more if they think I'm nice.
(December 28, 2013 - 9:06 pm)
Yes, yes you do.
If your medication isn't working, you should consult your doctor. Ask her what exactly the medication is supposed to do and see if you can find something that will make you feel better.
I think you're quite pleasant indeed. I don't really care if you try to edit yourself to make yourself look smarter or better becasue I have complete confidence in you that you're smart and nice anyway.
(December 31, 2013 - 12:03 am)
I told my psychiatrist that my medication wasn't working and had in fact made me worse (the scratches on my palms are evidence of that), but all she said was, "It's the lowest therapeutic dose. When we up the dosage, you'll probably see an improvement." BUT I TOLD HER THAT I WAS GETTING WORSE. No one ever listens to me. Ugh.
Thank you. That means a lot.
(December 31, 2013 - 4:32 pm)
I think it sounds like she'll up the dosage on your medication once it's safe for you. I think you'll just have to trust your doctor and hope that you feel better soon.
(January 1, 2014 - 11:24 am)
I'm actually kinda happy right now because 1) my friend said that this picture I posted on Instagram of my new sweater was gorgeous, 2) people really like my poetry, and 3) not numb (this isn't exactly a good thing. Blah.)
(December 26, 2013 - 12:05 am)
(I have no earthly idea how to put this into words)
I am not feeling particularly happy right now. I want to scream and bawl my eyes out and punch something but at the same time I'm really happy. I have no idea what the cause for either one of these emotions is. (and now I'm leaning more toward the Hulk end of the spectrum) gah what is this is this just hormones or depression or what wHaT iS tHiS mAdNeSs? Also the palms of my hands hurt just a little 'cause some of the skin is peeling off (it's difficult to explain why) I'm in Greensboro to see my dad's parents. And I put a link to my poetry on Instagram and PEOPLE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE MY POETRY YAY. And all is blah because my brain doesn't seem to want to be happy today. Stupid mood stabilizer isn't helping and it's been a month; it better start working soon. I'm still feeling unimaginably selfish/self-centered/bratty and so I might be offensive. People on Instagram are bugging me about my beliefs because of the fact that I advertise my lack of belief in God. Apparently, atheists aren't supposed to do that. *smiles through gritted teeth*
(very sorry for brattiness. Also sorry for possibly offending anyone.)
(December 27, 2013 - 1:02 am)
This is called puberty. It's really annoying.
(December 27, 2013 - 11:34 am)