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I feel very
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
submitted by Maggie
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
(November 24, 2013 - 2:24 pm)
I feel very guilty and incredibly worthless and I don't know why.
I'm not getting tired, but the friend I told you about raised a point I feel I need to ask you about.
Why do you post here?
Do you just want to have someone listen to you and have sympathy for you? Do you want someone to give you advice? Is there a certain issue you feel you need help with? I don't mind doing any of these things, and I don't have a problem with you telling me about your depression, but I'd like to know why you post about your depression so I can help you.
(December 14, 2013 - 11:17 pm)
I know that I shouldn't talk about my mental health if I don't plan to get better, but talking about it keeps my brain from imploding. Right now, today is a good day. On good days I can realize that I'm a good person. And no one that I know irl is any good at helping with this and I've got to get help from somewhere, right?
Yes, and generally it's better to talk things out rather than keep them quiet inside of you.
Admin
(December 15, 2013 - 12:23 pm)
1. I'm scared because I haven't had an episode in a week. Twisted? Yes. Let me explain. I assume most of us here on the CB have very heavy backpacks. Well, the weight of depression is kinda like my very heavy backpack. On some days, I could theoretically remove some of the weight. I just choose not to because it'd feel weird and strangely light. Days that the depression is less feel unnatural for me because I have, quite literally, been like this my whole life. That's why I don't want to recover, and why this past week has been alarming.
2. I'm noticing a trend. The first three days of the past couple weeks have been bad in one way or another (last week the episodes, this week nightmares) but them after that the week is normal.
3. iOS 7 is strange. (Yes I just got it now. I got my iPod back Wednesday afternoon.)
I'm on Eastern Time because I live in NC so it's actually 2 a.m. right now and I should go to sleep but I don't want to.
(December 19, 2013 - 2:10 am)
1. I like your analogy. I'm glad that you've been feeling a little... less depressed. It feels unnatural, but it can be better for you to take some of your burdens off and remove them. If these episodes are really bad, enjoy the break from them for now. I know large problems like this don't ever go away, but if you can have a break from some of the worst parts, it'll be good for you. I hope you feel better soon.
2. Do you have nightmares every night? I don't know how to make them go away, I've just gotten used to it.
3. What's odd about iOS 7?
Maggie, you really should try to go to bed earlier. Sleep is really important.
(December 20, 2013 - 6:22 pm)
1. Thank you
2. Often, but not since I haven't even been able to fall asleep the last few days.
3. It's just...I don't know.
Nope nope nope I don't need sleep. (Yes I do. I promise I'll try to get more sleep.)
(December 20, 2013 - 6:47 pm)
Toptoptoptoptop
(December 20, 2013 - 8:28 am)
I'm actually like a million times more insecure than I sound on here. The admins just edit a lot of it out.
(December 20, 2013 - 3:04 pm)
1. Some of you are uncomfortable with the fact that I'm so open about my mental health. I'm really sorry. It's just that I can't exactly fake normal on the Internet (for whatever reason I find it more difficult to lie to people on the internet) and I swear I'm not trying to get attention.
2. I'm paranoid that absolutely everyone hates me, because I'm awkward and embarrassing and I talk too much and...just....yeah I feel like you guys hate me for exactly the same reasons. I'm paranoid that I'm not interesting enough and I feel like everyone is going to leave me for other, more interesting, cooler people.
3. My friends shouldn't have to put up with me. For that matter, neither should my family or anyone else.
4. I'm slowly realizing that people do, in fact, care about my opinion. Of course, I'm still paranoid that they all hate me, but I've made progress.
I have so much to say but no idea how to word it. I will go mess with words. I will be back in the morning to let you know if I've made any progress.
(December 22, 2013 - 12:29 am)
1. I'm not uncomfortable at all, really. I think that if people have problems with your depression, they'll simply not read pages like this.
2. You really don't talk too much. I don't find you awkward and nothing you write seems to be embarrassing. Believe me, you're plenty interesting. I like reading what you to have to say and I feel really, really happy when you feel happier or make improvements.
3. If they don't want to "put up with you", they won't. It's a choice, Maggie. People aren't forced to listen to you and be friends with you, but we choose to.
4. I'm glad that you've started making progress. That really makes me happy.
(December 24, 2013 - 2:38 pm)
I'm really scared. I feel like I'm going to hurt myself I'm scared very scared help me. I can't stop thinking about it gahhhh.
Maggie, go sit with someone who's home with you. Read a good book. Think about something or someone besides yourself.
Admin
(December 24, 2013 - 12:31 pm)
Maggie, calm down. Right now. Get away from sharp objects and just go sit in a small space. And calm down. This is really serious. Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. I don't know why you want to, but don't hurt yourself. Calm down.
(December 24, 2013 - 2:40 pm)
1. so.freaking.numb. I need to feel something. This lack of emotion is disconcerting, to say the least.
2. I'm a failure. Failures need to be punished.
3. Why not?
(December 24, 2013 - 3:12 pm)
2. Okay, really. You tell me not to listen to Storm and then you go and sound like him. How in the name of anything are you a failure? I want proof. Evidence.
3. Because hurting yourself gets you in a great deal of trouble.
(December 24, 2013 - 5:32 pm)
2. I worded that really poorly. It's not that failures deserve to be punished. It's that I deserve to be punished because I'm really bad at absolutely everything. You want proof? My math grade is an 81 right now because I did really bad on two things and although I redid them and should have received credit for that, I didn't, because MY MATH TEACHER IS AN ABSENT-MINDED IDIOT. Also I'm not a nice person. I'm nice here on the CB because I have time to think and can stop myself from saying anything overly stupid. I failed at not eating. I failed at getting good grades. I failed at being normal. I failed at getting better. I failed at keeping secrets. I failed at being nice. I failed at talking to people. I failed at interacting with people.How in the name of anything are you a failure? I can't see anything wrong with you.
3. It won't, though. You see, my mom will never know, and my friends aren't going to find out.
(December 24, 2013 - 6:11 pm)
2. That's stupid. That's really stupid. I'm not calling you stupid, I'm saying that idea is stupid. I know it's mean to say, but I'm done with being nice. You shouldn't be punished for being bad at small things. It's not like you're trying to save the world but are failing at that. You're not even failing.
A B is still decent! And if that's a weighted class, which most IB classes are, it'll count as an A anyway! And that's not your fault! That's your math teacher's problem!
Who cares if you're nice? No one's perfect with social interactions! Popularity doesn't mean anything! A couple people are social geniuses and the rest of "nice" people just bend to everyone's will!
Last time I checked, eating was important. And essential for life.
You say you've been making progress! What ever happened to that? You talked to your teachers about drawing, you tried talking to your mother, you found a really good friend, you felt like your paranoia has been slightly becoming less! What, do none of those count now? Were they all lies? I don't count that as failing, I count that as a whole lot of progress. A lot.
You just say "I'm not nice", but I've never heard anything you've done that's not nice. At all. Why do you feel you're not nice? I really don't get it. What, do a couple of people hate you? That's life. If you don't have enemies, you're not doing it right. Not everyone's going to love the same thing, so don't expect everyone to love you. On the reverse end, everyone hates different things and not everyone hates you. You're no different than anyone else- some people like you, some people don't. That's just how human society works; it's a fundamental law, like gravity.
You failed at talking to people. You. Failed. At. Talking. To. People. What? What? What? Are we discussing the same person? You've been talking to us the whole time! You've been talking to your friends! That's amazing! That's awesome! That's really, really cool! You're not failing at all! Failing at interacting? You're on a social website, where lots of people say they really like you and will support you. That's the antithesis of failure. That is a smashing success. Maggie, you're not failing. At all. I have no idea how you got this idea.
3. Maggie. You need to stop. You are going to get caught some day because it will happen. You can try to be as careful as possible, but you'll inevitably get caught and get in a butt-load of trouble. It's not worth it. Please, please don't hurt yourself.
(December 24, 2013 - 9:13 pm)