I... I'm not sure what my pronouns are, I guess?  Most people use she/her when talking about me and I'm okay with that, but I don't always feel like she/her, if that makes any sense.  Like sometimes I think I'd much rather be gender neutral and use they/them pronouns.  So I guess I'm gender neutral but I'm okay with people referring to me as she/her, as long as they don't assign me certian gender roles because of that?  Is that normal/okay?  And I'm not sure how to tell my family and friends about it, because a lot of them are Christian and don't really agree with stuff like being gender neautral, which I get because it's what their belief says, but I still want them to be accepting and open to me...

@Admins, I hope this is an okay thing to talk about.

I've just been so exhausted lately. Mentally exhausted. I try to stay awake at night, just lying in my bed and trying not to fall asleep because if I fall asleep then the new day will come faster. Every day is exactly the same and it's not the same in a good way. I'm fully remote for school which is all right but I just really miss people. I've been stuck with my family for so long and we already get on each other's nerves. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. There's summer but I have to go to summer camp to be a counseler and I'm so nervous about that. I'm nervous about everything and I think I have anxiety and it's making everything so hard. As much I as want to go back to in-person school, I'm nervous about that because it will be exactly like it always was, something that I dread horribly. I'm awful at making friends so I haven't really even talked to anyone I know irl since the pandemic started. When I go back to school, it will just be like it always it be. I'll just be a quiet person in the corner who has lots of things to say but is too scared to talk and listening to my classmate's pity, because I'm just an outsider who happens to be nice. Every year is just another year closer to when I have to be an adult and now there's only three more years left and I'm terrified of growing up. I'm falling behind on my schoolwork because I just don't want to do it and I can't get myself to do it. I lost one of my cats in January. I miss her so much. She was the sweetest and friendliest cat and I love her so much and now she's gone. I still have my other cat Cooper but I still miss Lily. I feel like I'm falling, like everything's pushing down on my shoulders and I don't know what to do. I want to fall asleep, I want this to be over. I'm so tired. 

Leo, I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. This past year has been hard for so many people in so many ways. I suggest you tell your parents how you feel or show them your comment here. Try to do something outside every day. Exercise should help you feel better. Is the weather getting better where you live now? How about planting a garden? Or help with other yardwork? Talk a walk. Be on the lookout for other walkers in your neighborhood and suggest a distanced walk together or bike ride.

Do you know what age campers you'll be working with? If you have time, you might look up some games, activities, and songs that might be useful, in preparation for your summer. Although I imagine the camp director and/or other returning counselors will have plenty of material to help you out.

I think other Chatterboxers will have some good suggestions for you. We care about you. So let us know how you're doing.

Admin

@Admins, I am so incredibly sorry for the long post. I know you have a LOT of comments and posts to check, and this one is just holding you up, and I’m sure you have a lot of things to do in real life so...if you don’t have time to read through this, it’s fine, you don’t have to, and I completely understand if you don’t post this. 

I switched schools in 4th grade, from the school I’ve been all my life, to a new school where I didn’t know anyone. At my old school (I won’t say the name because of privacy reasons), I had two friends. Let’s call them S and M. My old school wasn’t perfect. There were a lot of bullies and stuff like that, and there were a couple of super-strict teachers, but we stuck together and we formed a sort of club and we helped each other and people who were getting bullied. I felt like we were sort of respected and looked up to in a way, if you know what I’m saying. 

M moved away in 3rd grade, and I went to my old school on the first day of 4th grade, but when I came home, my parents told me that we were switching schools. The next day, I went to a new school (again, I won’t say the name), and, since I was the new kid, everyone wanted to be my friend. A group of kids came up to me, including a person I’m going to call A and a person I’m calling N. Okay, fast-forward about a year. We were in 5th grade. All the people I was friends with last year either moved away, changed schools, or were put in a different class. I had become good friends with N, but they moved to a different school. A was the only person who I was friends with in my class. At first, I was like, Great! I know someone in my class! And I was super excited. 

Then in September, someone I knew from my old school came to my new school. We will call them R. That was exciting as well, especially since I may or may not have a crush on R (hint: it’s the first one). However, R did not pay much attention to me. I didn’t care too much, since I was still friends with A. There was another person in my class named J (that wasn’t really their name; just their first initial), who I knew from 4th grade. Let me tell you, I did not like J. They were rude and sassy, performed TikTok dances (I’m not saying TikTok is bad, it was just that the teachers specifically said no TikTok dances), and had a huge friend group, who were all rude and mean as well. For some reason, A started hanging out with J. They sat together at lunch, partnered up in math, and J saved A a spot in the 4 square line at recess. I often sat by myself at lunch, I played in the 4 square court off to the side that A and J didn’t play in, and during math I wandered around the classroom until there was only one person left without a partner and we were forced to pair up. Before I knew it, A no longer paid attention to me, and I was left friendless. 

Enter the pandemic. My school shut down. We were forced to attend classes remotely 

through Zoom and Google Classroom. I didn’t talk to A, not that I even had the chance to. Then, in May 2020, I received an email from A. Here it is, word for word, except that I changed our names and the pronouns to they/them for privacy reasons (@admins, I’m not sure if you’ll allow this because I didn’t write it, but if not, just don’t post this and then after a few days if it’s not there, I’ll resubmit this but paraphrase the email part):

Dear pangolin, 

I learned how to send an email hehe. Anyways I wanna say that I know I have made poor choices with my friendships, and leaving you out and all sorts of horrible things;. I thought I wanted to be friends with J but the truth is they roped me in to their friendship after we exchanged numbers and I tried including you but they didn't want to and I know that's not a good excuse but I thought I should say that. And I am writing this to tell you I am sorry for everything I have done and I know you might not forgive me and that is completely fine because I just don't wanna go through middle school knowing I have lost someone who is so important to me and so in conclusion I just wanted to know. Get back to me soon please I miss you <3 

I’m just not sure whether or not to forgive them, or whether I should take this email seriously. I never responded, which may or may not be a mistake. I did show it to my mom, but she doesn’t know what to think either. 

Anyway, 6th grade started. In my advisory/homeroom/whatever it’s called, R was there, and so was A. I still haven’t interacted much with A, even though I see them everyday (except Saturday and Sunday, thank goodness). Me and R haven’t spoken either, really. 

My school announced that it’s going to open back up hybrid on March 14th. I thought I’d be excited, but I’m just...not. In fact, I actually started crying today when I thought about going to school. I think it’s because I haven’t really seen anyone in over a year and I’ve forgotten how to act around people. Also, I was never good at social skills in the first place, and I’m horrible at making friends. And I’m 99.9% sure my personality type is INFJ (you might want to look it up for more information), which basically makes me a walking paradox; I really don’t like being around people and want to be alone, but I get lonely all the time and just want to talk to someone. If you just got confused, well, I did too. Anyway, having an INFJ personality type is really hard socially and I just feel...I don’t know, different, I guess, than everyone else. I know, I know, everyone’s unique, no one’s the same, but I honestly feel like...how to put this...like there’s a secret everyone knows but me. A secret about, what, social skills? Happiness? Life? I don’t know, but I feel like it makes all the difference. I’m also afraid. I’m afraid something like what happened with A and J will happen again. I’m afraid to sit by myself in the lunch room again. I’m afraid I’ll have no friends. I’m afraid I’ll get bullied. I’m afraid of so many things. 

I feel like I’ve locked up my feelings inside of me and thrown away the key. I just...I feel vulnerable whenever I let someone see how I’m feeling, how I’m really feeling. And after what happened with A and J, I’m scared to let anyone have some sort of control over me. I think my secretive-ness scares people away, though, and it’s hard for me to make new friends. Sigh. 

I also lost three pets during the pandemic. I had a cat named Toast. He’s the most precious, adorable, sweetest cat ever. I’ve had him my whole life. He was 14 (I think, he might have been 15) when he died on August 9th. The second pet that died was another cat named Kevin. We got him during the pandemic, in April or May, I believe. He was just perfect. Well, two days after Toast passed away, we had to go on a trip (which had already been planned) to my grandmother’s house in the country. We ended up staying for about a month because my mom said the fresh air and being outside should be good for us. We came back home not too long before school started. Something was weird about Kevin, though. His stomach was kind of big, and he didn’t really eat, or play, or do anything. My mom brought him to the vet because she thought he had worms. He didn’t; he had FIP, or Feline Infectious Peritonitis, basically a form of mutated cat coronavirus. The thing is, it’s fatal to kittens. He was put to sleep in September. In late September, my fish Bronzie, who I’ve had for five years, got their (we aren’t sure of Bronzie’s gender) tail stuck in the aquarium filter. Well, we think that’s what happened; we weren’t around when it happened. He passed away the next day, and I buried him in a flower pot in our backyard.

I just realized I’ve been writing for an insanely long time. It just felt good to get that off my chest. It’s okay if no one responds to this. Just saying, or rather, writing, this has made me feel a ton better. I’m so glad there’s a safe space such as the Chatterbox where I can share my thoughts and feelings. *hugs every single CBer at once*