Just fyi will respond later thanks :)

2 days 49 minutes later, I'm back! :)

so so sorry for any confusion, I think Hex was actually @Bobcat the first time around (in a response to your first post), and I was @Bobcat the second (and most recent) time around... but thank you so much!! We had a run-through of the whole dance yesterday and we were kinda falling apart ahh so hopefully when we run through it again right before the thing tomorrow it'll be better. My main concern is that everyone tells me to have fun when I'm dancing and I'm like "but I AM having fun!!" and they're like "well, you're not, cuz you're not smiling" and I'm like ahh I don't know how to smile unless I smile naturally I'm horrible at faking smiles I don't understand how every single other person (sorta) is so good at it!! Mini-rant there, sorry. I love dancing so super excited though!! :) I know, I'm that superrr shy super introverted bookworm who finds their home performing on a stage in front of a huge crowd. :p

But oof, that's probably tough, about having no friends/acquaintances outside of here. :/ *sends virtual hugs/preferred treats if you want them*

Ohh, I got it; thanks!! :D I actually don't remember either. I've probably said this before, but I love telling the story of Gian Furlough Acorn Harlowe's name, so I'll put it here again! Basically, I got vem right after my first dance concert (and it's such an apt time to be telling this story too because my second/last-this-year dance concert (we have two per year) is tomorrow!!) and during the dance concert when I wasn't on stage, I was reading this book called The Priory of the Orange Tree and in it there's a character named Gian Harlowe. Well, at the end of the concert, my family gave vem to me, and I was trying to decide what to name vem, when this name just popped into my head: Gian Harlowe! And Gian Furlough Acorn Harlowe seemed to like it, even though I didn't really at the time (it's grown on me though :) ) so I was like, fine. I'll name you Gian Harlowe. But since I didn't like the name at the time, I asked my family for other names, and my brother was like Acorn! And I was like, Acorn's actually a super cute name and seems to really fit vem well too, so I added in the Acorn. And THEN Ig Gian Furlough Acorn Harlowe had such a high opinion of vemself *coughcoughahem* that ve decided that, no, just three names wouldn't do, we needed to add a fourth! And so there came the Furlough, waltzing into my mind. Honestly, I thought a furlough was a unit of measurement, but apparently it's when someone gets fired?? Um.. oops. By then, the name had stuck though.

Gian Furlough Acorn Harlowe thanks Chrysanthemum Jasper (I LOVE treat's(?) name btw!) for the pumpkin hot chocolate (ackk sounds so good!!) and taffy (I honestly don't know the difference between taffy and toffee XD) and chamomile tea (WHAT when did you start liking tea??), but draws the line at caramels. Apparently Gian Furlough Acorn Harlowe is allergic to caramels. I didn't even know that was a thing?? Ve says thank you anyways though (and don't worry, the caramels didn't get wasted! All my other stuffies lovee them except wait a minute they shouldn't be having sugar...)!! :D

Ve would give Chrysanthemum Jasper and everyone else treats of vir own but ve doesn't have any... unless you all want, uh, *opens Stephanie the pig's mouth (don't judge; she has a VERY big mouth. I stuff "illegal goods" (i.e. candy :D) in there)* hard starbursts, expired (and pretty hard) grape hi-chew, and/or a... lengthy red ribbon??

I think I did look into the Sleeping Beauty you mentioned but you have to pay to watch it?? Idk maybe I looked at the wrong thing? But I am currently still making my way  v  e  r  y   s  l  o  w  l  y through the one I was watching before, which, again, SO GOOD I honestly never really thought watching ballet could be so riveting before even though I used to dance ballet...

And so so so so best of luck in coming out!!! I'm honestly scared to come out for those reasons also haha (but also because my parents would probably be hurt like oh I'm keeping important parts of myself from them and why, do I not trust them or something and then I would feel super guilty and it just... wouldn't be great. Along with I'm still not 100% sure where they stand on this stuff, soo.), but yess. :)

And you def don't need to apologize -- also thanks for the heads up! I probably shouldn't leave this stuff circulating all over the Internet either but... I'm lazy and don't have any common sense and will probably very much regret it later. :p

ack gtg sry bye- :)

Not that good at advice but just wanted to say that you are an amazing person and if you need to, you should take a break! It's totally ok to have and pursue other interests and put them before CB. 

Hi Peri! I totally get what you mean, a lot of people who were on here when you and I first got here are gone now, which makes me sad too. I also haven't been as active as I want to be but what can you do. Don't feel like you have to post all the time to be a 'good' member of the community, you've done so much and your priority should just be taking care of yourself and having fun. Love you too (/p) <333

I'm pretty bad at advice but I just wanted to say that it would probably be good to reach out, like admin said, or write it down somewhere secret if you don't want to face telling someone--I've found that writing out feelings help. And well, here's a virtual hug <33

*gives you a million bear hugs* RAWR!

hi :) idk how good my advice would be bc I'm not sure how much I relate, but I do have my apathetic days where going to school and getting through the day just sorta hurts and I don't really care anymore bc what's the point and like last week I even decided to skip class bc I was like you know what I'm sitting here with all my classmates and it's lunchtime and I'm reading and the bell's about to ring for PE but I don't think I can handle running laps around the field I'm in that mood where if I have to do that I'd just walk and not put effort in at all and all the teachers will yell at me and I'll break down crying but I break down crying a lot anyways and no one cares and the people who would care don't know and I'm just gonna skip class (and btw I NEVER skip class. I'm that person who still feels guilty about going against the kindergarten substitute's instructions bc I didn't hear that she was telling us not to go outside yet until I was outside) and so when the bell rang all my classmates left and just left me sitting there and the crazy part was NO ONE EVEN NOTICED I WASN'T THERE IN CLASS UNTIL I WALKED INSIDE LIKE 18 MIN LATER (yeah, the guilt of skipping class got to me, even in apathy :/ bc my small little rebellion of I've had enough of being ignored just got... ignored. And I was like who cares about standing up for yourself anymore I just want to get through this so bye Way of Kings hello PE).

and the most annoying part about that was that that was the ONE DAY the PE teachers decided to not make us run laps!!!! Instead, they just had us lie in a silent dark room and "meditate" bc it's "good for our health" and they wanted to "give us a break". I LOVEEE lying in silent dark rooms!! And ofc now it's my fault that I didn't get to do something I love and I just can't.

sorry, just had to lay that all out to figure out how to give you advice :) ok so I think the worst thing about apathy (at least in my experience of apathy) is that you really just don't care. Including, you don't care about getting out of apathy. Apathy feels like the best place to be at the time, where nothing can hurt you because nothing matters and it's all easier. But it's not better. Things that help me are singing relatable songs (really just having them on loop in my head) -- I could definitely give you a list if you'd like, writing sad poetry (i.e. throwing pity parties for myself) and crying. Crying definitely helps me get out of apathy bc then I suddenly feel again, and care again, so if you have any tears, I'd definitely recommend spilling them (or like throwing so many pity parties for yourself that you can't help but spill them but that's probably unhealthy just feeling bad for yourself idk).

and I think that, and this is cliché, but no matter what, it's important to stay true to yourself.

also, even if it's not depression, if it feels like it, maybe depression tips and tricks could help you too

I do agree with the admin... and so so sorry I really don't have more advice, I'm bad with a lot of this stuff too so idk (like reaching out). Ig just remember that sometimes you're not fine and that you don't have to be fine, you don't have to keep telling yourself you're fine everything's fine. That's what I do a lot, and it really doesn't help. Um. Do things you like, find lots of hobbies and things to interest/busy you maybe???? Idk if that would help though. Talking to people def helps, if you're up to it irl (or rant on here all you like, please!).

And you have so many things to live for!! The world is a wonderful, wonderful place. You're a wonderful, wonderful person. And if you ever need something to brighten your day, just come ask us! Humor almost always brightens my day -- laughing, smiling, that feeling when the realization of a really clever joke hits you. Read, if you need to escape! Hex recommended dino comics and Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality and The Way of Kings to me, and I like to turn to those when I need it. Fantasy problems are so much easier to deal with than real-life problems, and there apathy doesn't matter bc you're somewhere else and there are DRAGONS! Actually, here's a pun bc my squish R is always spouting out puns and they always make me feel better so I'll try to do the same: if a kid is refusing to nap, are they resisting arrest? :)

oh, and dancing really helps me too, if you're into that! :D dancing by yourself, dancing choreo, making up choreo...!

ok this is all over the place and probably not at all what you were looking for sorry but so many people love you and there's so much in life to look forward to and sending so much love and so many hugs and so so so best of luck with everything rn and talk to us if you ever need anything <3333 

okay, so you don't want to reach out to your friends because you don't want to bother them. first off, they absolutely should not make you feel like you're bothering them, so if that's happening that's not good. but if it's something that you're supposed to report, it's probably a really big issue, and you probably really need help. if they were supportive about it and you think they'll continue to be, please try to talk to them. even if they respond poorly you aren't a burden. i wish i knew who you are so i could give more examples of how you're an awesome person (not trying to pressure you to say who you are you don't have to and if you don't want to don't) but frankly even if you are an awful person you still deserve to be helped and not be miserable. 

also why don't you want your parents to hear about it? If it's because they wouldn't support you being trans or having a mental health issue I'm really sorry and that's really awful. but if it's because you don't want to worry them or something like that - worrying about you is kind of their job as a parent. your job as a parent is to raise a child well. and i hope they would help.

maybe look into how to deal with being floaty or numb. It's a common problem, there are almost certainly online resources that can help. if it is because of dysphoria, is there anything you could do about it?  getting slightly more masc/fem/neu clothes even if they're not that good, maybe something that makes you feel more like your gender(s). there are probably ideas online, just make sure you choose things that actually you like and don't especially get pulled into something like "well it's masc to be tough and not deal with your emotions". but also something like "well i'm a girl so i have to want long hair even though i like short hair" or "i'm agender so i can't have any gendered characteristics even if i like them" or "i'm masc so i have to like... i still don't know what masculine interests are but something masc idk). (you didn't specify what gender you are so i'm just using random ones)

also have a hug from Chrysanthemum Candytuft Jasper (treat is a really beat-up Jellycat Bashful Tiger) and Oolong (ze is a slighlty less beat-up (i brush zer sometimes) Jellycat Smudge Elephant). Oolong also gives you some lavender or chamomile tea, and Chrysanthemum Jasper also gives you hot chocolate. Oh and Oolong also gives you a request to try to do something that will make you feel good about yourself or not floaty or anything like that, which I also highly reccomend. Maybe reread a book or watch a show you like or talk to your friends about something fun or anything that might make you feel even a little better. even if it doesn't work it's worth trying. and i'm certain you have things to live for, but that concerns me about your mental state. if you're feeling like you might not, i'm literally begging you to tell someone. PLEASE. you don't have to deal with this alone. you said your friends were supportive. Please at least talk to one of them, okay? Even if you don't get all the way into how things are. why does them being supportive make you feel worse? I'm not trying to judge, i just don't get why. You don't have to answer (to any of this) but if you do answer to that i can try to advice on that too? your friends being supportive is a good thing, though i get if you feel bad about it. but you're not being a burden by needing that support and reaching out. i'm guessing they care about you and want to help. (If they don't i'm really sorry and they're not very good friends.) I'm really really serious here. even if they have their own things going on, it's okay to ask for help. if you really feel bad about it you can try to support them with one of their problems. 

oh, and the admin is very right when they say that having an adult you trust on your side will help if you decide to talk to your parents. also that scary as it is to talk to someone, they really might be able to help in the long term. I really hope you can talk to them and get help. 

last thing i can think of right now because i can't think of other ways to say that I really really think you should talk to your friends more: it's not stupid or pointless or worthless or anything like that. so please don't say it is. not because it's mean to us or anything, but it's very mean to you. and i really think it's best to not be mean to yourself in general, but especially right now.

seriously though. please try to find someone to talk to. if one of them doesn't work, that's really really awful and you probably won't want to try again. but try again anyway. and it's never your fault and it never makes you a burden or a bad person or anything.

if you post again i'll respond, at least with *hugs* or something if i can't think of anything. sorry if any of this isn't helpful or i misread something

thank you everyone who responded <3

@Moon Wolf, thanks for hugs and just commenting at all idk.

@Celine, first i gotta say reading way of kings is a much better use of time than pe--excellent choice lol. i only remember crying once in recent memory and not very much (although it's not like i never cry, i think i just have a terrible memory--). is that worrying? that feels slightly worrying lol. i'm trying to do things that interest me and it's true i feel lighter/forget about it more when i'm laughing with friends or at soccer practice but it also feels like a temporary solution maybe. dino comics and fantasy is also a good idea xD thank you for the pun and for telling me life is wonderful <3 i kind of needed that i think

@BB, heh you make all my stupid internalized psudo-logic sound as stupid as it is :] my friends aren't actively doing anything that suggests they don't want me to reach out--i've asked and apologized because i feel bad and they're always like "no please keep reaching out and if not me at least someone/thank you for trusting me/i want to help/you're not a burden/etc." i just feel bad because i don't want to be a burden--and logically i know that's stupid and i'd want any of my friends to come to me if i could help and all that but nope i still stress out and regret talking to people :') yay social anxiety-esque thoughts (i keep saying things like social anxiety and depression and i'm not trying to make it sound like i have any of them--i mean it's possible i suppose--it's just i don't have better words for what i'm feeling. i hope this isn't annoying for anyone)

i'm not sure i guess i just don't talk to my parents about actually serious stuff? i'm not sure where they stand on trans stuff (that's a whole separate issue lol) or mental health stuff and it seems like a hard thing to figure out.

i'm pretty sure at least some of it is from dysphoria but that's mostly the worse days. (i'm transmasc-adjacent, let's say--still figuring stuff out). i do kind of hate my clothes sometimes but it's manageable and while i have made bad choices about binding in the past i have a friend who insists i ask them to borrow their binder instead if i ever am going to make said stupid decisions again. it's a really sweet offer and i'm trying to a) not make stupid decisions and b) ask them for help if i needed it but also the fun social-anxiety-adjacent-feeling means that i regret it already haha (that kinda turned into a different rant and that's a whole separate issue sorry)

but i also think it goes beyond dysphoria. the admins cut out a little bit of the other stuff related but in the beginning i didn't really connect the problems at all. now i'm not so sure idk.

thank you for the jellycat care :D i know realistically i have things to live for and i definitely care about things and life and friends and everything but sometimes i'm just tired and beyond caring and floaty and numb heh... i've told my best friend a little but i also don't see her a ton and she doesn't respond to texts super quickly. i've also told two other friends more details (they know approximately what i've said on here) and they're supportive awesome people love them but for any of these people i still really really suck at reaching out when i need help (hence anonymous cb comments xD) and them being supportive makes it harder to ignore somehow and i've made it so far ignoring everything part of me's scared to admit any of this is a problem.

i think my problem (beyond the obvious depression-ish stuff) isn't lack of a support network, it's me being really terrible at actually getting help and being socially anxious-ish and stuff.

all of this sounds really bad... i swear i'm doing ok usually? i think?? haha-- 

Maybe she's busy. Whenever I start worrying about people not replying, I remind myself there are about a billion reasons for it.

Hope you'll feel/are feeling better! <3