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Confessions
Confess your deepest secrets here, anonymously, if you'd prefer
I won't judge
submitted by Anonymous, age x, x
(October 15, 2020 - 1:43 pm)
(October 15, 2020 - 1:43 pm)
first off congrats on the concerto, it sounds cool! and I'm so glad coming out to your mom went well :D that's really awesome. even if she doesn't really understand it sounds like she's trying/not mad at least which is good.
would input from other people help you decide on a name? asking your japanese teacher or even a parent/friend (you don't necessarily need to give them context) on which one they like or think fits you might be helpful to have additional perspectives. I mean obviously it's your name so it's mostly about what you like but if you're having trouble deciding that could maybe help? or alternatively suggesting them on the CB if you want.
it sounds like you're not really considering just putting your deadname on the bio? [not trying to suggest that, just trying to be clear about what I understood]. is the bio first-person or third-person? you could say something like "I recently came out as trans and am still deciding on a name/[name or pronoun] recently came out as trans and is going by [name] for the meantime but is still deciding on a name." that might give you additional time to consider the names.
I don't have any advice on the racial part of this sorry :(( but I'd say go with whatever feels most like you and screw people's mistaken first impressions!
as for pronouns, if the bio's first-person you could say something like "I use xxx pronouns" or "please ask me my pronouns" or if it's third-person you could say something like "[name] uses xxx pronouns" or "[name] would appreciate if you asked what [name]'s pronouns are." it's honestly probably possible to avoid using pronouns at all if that'd be easier. it depends on how out you want to be/what you want the general public to know about you, I guess. I probably wouldn't put something you don't want people using for you [such as they/them, it sounds like].
as for lack of understanding around/people, queer or otherwise, not recognizing neopronouns as valid—that's definitely a true concern and it really really sucks and I'm sorry. I do think though that a lot of transphobia stems from ignorance, and saying something [possibly in your bio] about how to use your pronouns could avoid some of that?
also [unrelated but] I know you've said you use neopronouns on the CB before but haven't mentioned which ones—does this mean you'd also like CBers to use some combo of ae/aer/aem, ve/vir/vim, ve/vis/vim, he/him, or something else? just asking where you stand on this currently, not trying to pressure you into anything.
I'm not sure how much this helps [if it didn't, I'm sorry] because I don't have experience with a lot of this [very much closeted haha and I don't use neos ~I think??? lol~] but I hope it could help? good luck with everything you got this it's gonna be ok <33
(April 17, 2024 - 2:43 pm)
thanks.... i kind of hate that my mom was fine with it actually... like partially because that means that all of this time spent worrying about it was just pointless and i shouldn't have, and partially because like... i'm never going to be allowed to be mad at them again. and i hate every time something goes well. i hate how fine everything looks. i hate every way that i'm lucky. i hate that they act so nice all the time in public and maybe they are nice and everything is fine idk
and i wish i was a character in a book because in books everything's bad all the time and at least they're allowed to feel anything. If i'm like tired or sad and they're talking or something then it's like "oh, you're sulking" and they get all offended. and they're like "oh, you misinterperet when we're yelling at you. we're just raising our voicees a little" and like... maybe but... like they're also have been like "I've never hit you" but they have. Or at least I think so. and if I'm like panicking or something sometimes they'll be like "you can't be alone because you're not okay" but then they only do stuff that makes it worse. and yet they're perfectly fine or nice sometimes. and they always act that way in public. and in books it's always bad. all the time. and everything is always wrong. except they're allowed to have feelings, but nobody cares about a character's emotions or if they're lonely. they only care about if they get hit. i barely care if i get hit. and maybe that just means it's not hard enough or something but like - why do they always ignore all the characters' feelings?!
fine. i'm posting this. and i'm not going to delete it because everything i said has happened. and mabye i'll delete it after so in case my parents come on here they don't see it but... idk
(April 17, 2024 - 4:19 pm)
I do agree with what @Bobcat said; I think for the name thing another option to consider might be experimentation?? Like, if possible, you could have ppl irl (or even CBers) call you by the names, and (theoretically) see which one fits best? Alternatively, you could have CBers/you yourself could write a story about you, using one of the three names, and see if you have any opinions?? But I do think that you shouldn't have a deadline for deciding on a name, and saying something about how it's not a fixed name yet if you're still not sure might be good. Ofc, I really don't know your situation at all, so? And congrats on the concerto and coming out!! So much good luck with everything, and sending love and tea your way <333
(also, tysm for your response on the gardening/tea thread!! I'm definitely thinking of radishes, so yeah thank you sorry I didn't reply sooner)
(April 17, 2024 - 5:41 pm)
First of all, congrats on winning the concerto!! That's such a huge accomplishment. I'm so glad that coming out to your mom went better than you thought, although I totally get having mixed feelings on that. It can just be so hard to tell how someone will respond to something like that. Hopefully it goes well with your dad too.
I get what you're saying about having a Japanese name while not seeming 'Asian enough', but tbh I don't think anyone would think you're racist even if you're white passing. Wasians are super common nowadays and most likely someone would just assume that rather than anything else. Plus, who cares what anyone else thinks? If having a Japanese name makes you happy then you should go with that. If you want to run any names by the CB (or just by me on our chat thread if posting it to the whole CB isn't appealing) we'll be here, and if not, that's okay too.
It's so silly how much stigma there is around neos. As much as it saddens me to say this, many people, including queer people, use it as the butts of jokes or other annoying, harmful stuff. He/they is a pretty common combo, although I hesitate to suggest it because you said you don't like they/them all that much. I think the options (from what you've said) are probably he/him or he/they, given that coming out with neos to parents that still don't totally understand he/they might be difficult- although it's all up to your level of comfort. If you think you're ready to put neos in the bio, do it. If not, that's okay too- here on the CB we'll use them and you can put he/him or he/they or something else in the bio until/when/if you want to come out with neos.
No matter what you choose, everything is going to be all right. Promise. We're always here for you when you need it. Love you (/p) xoxo Silver
(April 17, 2024 - 9:46 pm)
Oh my goodness, I wish you the best of luck. Also very big congratulations on the concerto!
Haha I was just outed to my conservative father and that did not go well but I was in the hospital so I didn't have to deal with the brunt of it hahahha... I really hope yours goes better, and that you actually will have the chance to come out on your own, although I'm sorry it's not really on your own time.
I think you should be good with whatever name you pick. And I get the pronoun confusion. Honestly, I really like neopronouns now that I get the hang of them, if that wasn't obvious. I personally like the ae/aer or ve/ver, but I’m not sure. Maybe it can represented as something like ve/aer/his, just so people see it and can understand how to use them interchangeably? But that might also be confusing… He/they definitely is more accepted, but if you don’t like they/them, then maybe don’t go with that.
Anyhow, no matter what you choose GOOD LUCK BUDDY!!! You got this! I hope everything goes as well as you deserve!
(April 19, 2024 - 9:38 am)
Soo I've liked this guy for around three months, and I just found out he and his ex-girlfriend are back together (even though he said he doesn't like her very much), which really sucks. But honestly, I don't even need him to be my boyfriend; I just want him to talk to me! I just don't think he thinks I'm that fun or interesting because I'm pretty quiet and we have completely different friends. I do talk to him every few days, and he's always very nice, but I usually initiate the conversation and he never seems all that interested. Obviously, I don't need him to like me back--I just want to be friends with him, and give him the chance to see if I'm someone he would ever consider liking. It just makes it all worse to see him with his girlfriend every day.
(April 17, 2024 - 3:58 pm)
i just read over this and saw how cringey it was and feel kinda bad now, since a lot of you guys write in here with more serious concerns that have to do with stuff like identity and mental health. i myself am bi, i think, but i'm a cis girl and i've only been liking boys recently, so that hasn't been at the front of my mind much lately. aannd i have mild to moderate ocd that has been a lot closer to mild recently so that's also not a huge concern. i guess the thing with that boy i like is just the main difficulty in my life rn--and i get how tiny this is compared to so many others, and i am not trying to negate/minimize anyone else's by posting a comment about it, i just needed somewhere to rant. and obviously i didn't write this comment to have ppl respond saying "no, ur problem is very difficult too" because i get that it isn't in the grand scheme of things, i was just feeling low abt it all day. i hope everyone who's reading this is doing ok, no matter your situation i hope it all works out for you <3
(April 17, 2024 - 6:19 pm)
Don't feel bad about this!! <3 There's nothing wrong with ranting. If you need to rant, rant. If you were commenting to get advice, then feel free to ask. Just making sure because in the past, when I was depressed and lonely and CB was my primary source of socialization, I would post something completely desperate hoping that somebody would respond, and then no one would, maybe because my posts were mistaken as rants because I didn't directly ask for help (but that's in the past now and isn't anyone's fault so anyway, that was just something that's been bottled up for a few months, so now that it's out I'm moving on...) What I'm trying to say is: you don't need to dismiss your comment as less important. It is important to you, and so it is important to me (does that sound cheesy? I hope not...this entire comment might be half-venting and half-replying empathetically due to worries about the venting...I hope that isn't the case either, because I genuinely mean well).
(April 20, 2024 - 11:00 am)
first of all, don't feel bad about posting this! it's definitely very hard to like someone who doesn't like you... especially if he doesn't even seem interested in spending time with you! personally, I'd have a harder time with that than with many other problems, like questioning my pronouns or whatever... because what is more difficult than ~unrequited love~? *melodramatic sigh* In all seriousness, though, it does sound really sad. I'm sorry :( My only advice would be to act friendly and sweet around him, but still being yourself, but I don't know if it'll work. I really hope it does work, or that you can find some other way, and it all works out for you. And I'm willing to listen and support you if you want to talk more *hugs if you want them*
(April 21, 2024 - 6:07 pm)
okay but what if it's not good that my mom reacted well. what if that means i lost every chance i had to rant about anything that anyone actually cares about or understands. what if that means that it's my fault that i'm not going to end up coming out. what if that means that i'm lucky even as this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened. what if that makes everything worse and i'm still as messed up as i've ever been. what if that doesn't even fix anything that actually matters. what if i don't even know if it'll go well if i bring it up again or actually ask for anything. what if it goes like last time and she's fine with it in concept as long as i don't actually have feelings about anything or *gasp* not act grateful for one second. what if it goes well and it's just my fault. what if this means i'll never be able to have anything against her. what if nobody even cares about any of this anyway. what if i'm not coming out because of this and that also means it's all my fault.
(April 20, 2024 - 4:00 pm)
great, you guys just proved literally all of my points. nothing? really? why did you respond to the other things then? "i bet they were just too busy or forgot or -" THEN WHY DID YOU RESPOND TO THE FIRST ONE? tired of dealing with me? fair but WHY THE FIRST ONE THEN!? it's not like i actually expect any responses or anything but like - why does the first one matter and the other two just don't? is it because i'm so lucky because my mom responded well the first time and who cares about anything else if coming out goes well? and yes i've been posting other stuff like it's normal because this is normal. i don't even care i just don't know why the other two don't matter.
(April 21, 2024 - 7:23 pm)
I'm so sorry BB, I haven't been on the CB due to homework and writing program stuff, I haven't really been online and didn't see that you posted. That's totally my fault, I should have checked in with you sooner. Guess I haven't been the best about 'always being there when you need to talk' as I'm always saying, I'm really really sorry. Of course you deserve to be upset about this. My parents are the most accepting people ever and I still was a wreck while coming out to them and I still am; it's so hard to talk to them about this stuff, even when they're completely understanding all the time (which it seems like your mother is not, at least when it comes to this). And just because she responded relatively well to this doesn't mean you have to forgive her for everything else that she's done. One good thing does not cancel out all the bad. You're absolutely allowed to hold things against her and be mad and resentful. It's not 'your fault' if you don't come out, that's a choice that everyone makes, and it doesn't make you a worse person or any less queer to not come out or to wait. "What if no one cares about this anyway" I do and I always will. "What if it means that I lost every chance i have to rant about anything that anyone actually cares about or understands" You can rant about anything and I'll care and try to understand. "Tired of dealing with me?" No absolutely not and I never will be and I'm so so sorry if I ever made it feel like I was. I know what I'm saying won't fix anything or probably be all that helpful, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here. Love you (/p) <333
(April 21, 2024 - 9:25 pm)
(@BB)
hey. I'm sorry you feel that way. it's not because I don't care that I haven't responded [and I'm sure same for everyone else]—I mostly don't know what to say and there's always that "well someone else can give better advice" but I can try?
you are 100% allowed to feel mad/scared/panicked/ungrateful because even if someone [your parents] does one thing right, it doesn't mean they're perfect angels always [actually it sounds like they're definitively not] it's totally valid to stress about something like coming out and even if it went ok at surface-level that doesn't mean everything's ok or that you're indebted to them just because this one thing is semi-ok.
it sounds like your parents expect a side of you that's exhausting to keep up—constantly masking and hiding all your emotions. honestly, that's really hard.
there are always people who have it worse. there are always ways something could've ended up worse. that doesn't mean the past/present/future is always beautiful and amazing and perfect or that you don't deserve to have emotions/get help/have problems because you're lucky. like, yes you're lucky, but also you are human and you have emotions and problems and sometimes life sucks even if you are privileged in some way.
feeling this way isn't your fault. all the what-ifs aren't your fault. I [I'm sure I can speak for everyone else too] care about you [even if there's no logical grounding for that, it's true] and I'm sorry you're hurting. you matter, all of these posts matter, ok?
I'm probably way off base and idk if this helped but let me know if I can do anything else??
(April 21, 2024 - 9:05 pm)
Just letting you know that I was writing a response, it's just been a super busy week for me because it's tech + performance week for my dance rehearsal plus I signed up to do a lot more stuff than I should have... but that's a horrible excuse and you should probably hate me for saying that. Honestly, just like all the loneliness is hitting me and I have no friends at school and it hurts haha I hate the isolation and spend like so much time crying now so basically all the advice I was giving was horrible bc I'm like super low too so I just didn't post the post because... I don't think I'm in a position to give good advice. But I'm better today because I just saw my REAL friends and it's the end of the weekend so I haven't been at school in a while, so I promise that I'll finish the response up and post it by tonight!!!
sorry that was a super bad response I just spiraled didn't I. Ok, just. I'll get it up by tonight.
(April 21, 2024 - 11:02 pm)
Okay, nvm, Silver and Hex already gave all the best advice ever — and it's true, your feelings are totally valid!! So much so! — and if I posted my response it'd be just the exact same thing, so I'll just say that NO I will never ever ever be tired of "dealing with you" (and that's probably speaking for most on here); I know this post means so much less because it's like you're saying that and I'm not saying it of my own volition now and I could just be saying whatever — but I seriously really 100% mean it!!!! I will never tire of “dealing with you” because okay this will seriously sound so sappy but I love you/p, SO so much. And that probably also doesn’t mean much coming from me, because I love, like, everyone here, but BLACKFOOTED BOBCAT I do NOT know how to say this and my opinion probably doesn’t mean much to you anyway but you are, like, the most like, you have my so utmost respect in everything I was literally thinking this morning when I was reading Rigel’s form: Blackfooted Bobcat has my utmost respect. You really do!! You put so much thought and care and time and passion into everything (and sincerity too!!), I don’t think anyone in the whole world can match you for that. I will never tire of reading your posts because you are so worth reading!! I’m so sorry, sincerely, that I let you down — because I did, no matter what excuses I give, I said I’d be here for anyone to rant and stuff, and I obviously have not been (for a lot of people actually) — you have every right to be mad at me, even now. But just know that we do care about you, even if we don't respond!! I'm sorry that's not helpful.
Also sorry if this is a silly question, but what do you mean by “the other two”? You had three posts in total, or are you counting the post you made about your second post? Was that confusing? Probably.
(April 22, 2024 - 12:11 am)