I like dinosaurs...I know, I know, that am a little too old. My interest is kind of childish.

No way, dinosaurs are awesome :) 

I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible friend.

no one cares that i dont care, and no one cares about the things that i care about

i don’t know why but i just can’t stop my mind from spinning around and around//everytime i think too hard everything starts to unravel like a ball of yarn that i’ve tugged loose and then the yarn is unspooling everywhere and i can’t get it back together in one place again and when i do it's all tangled up but i don’t have the energy to undo it to wrap it back up nicely so i just leave it and nothing happens//and i can’t stop tying my self worth to what people think of me and what my grades are and how people see me//so i wear the clothes i think people will like and i smile and stay quiet and when i don’t i almost always regret it and then end up going back over every little moment in my mind and i want to erase it all//and my accomplishments are everything to me but they mean nothing because they’re never enough//and i have a song stuck in my head and it goes// ‘i’m so sick of me/wake up and hate to breathe/and i pride myself in that/so dramatic i’ll admit’//and then it goes ‘i’m so typical/my life ain’t difficult/but i’m so caught up in it/such a lowlife i’ll admit’//and that's the worst part//the knowledge that none of my problems really matter and that some people have real issues and i’m lucky and privileged and have nothing to complain about//or at least that’s what my dad says when he gets angry and tells me that i’ve been taking everything for granted//he gets angry a lot//not his fault, my grandparents are almost at the end//and they’re forgetting english and faces and names//and he hates it//so he hates us for a few minutes a day//and i cry every time because i’m weak and he raised me to make me afraid of him//to keep me out of trouble//but it worked a little too well//because now i don’t go out or do much of anything//at all//he was first generation//but i’m the american dream once-removed//don’t really know what i’m supposed to do//no one’s got any plans for me and i have no plans for myself//no motivation to do anything//and meanwhile my best friend is trying so so hard to get a job because she lives with her mom in a one bedroom apartment and wants to pay rent//and i’m not doing anything//nothing//and lately i’ve been thinking about love and how it works//and how i may never feel anything beyond platonic//i think i might just not be built that way//but maybe one day i’ll see someone and we’ll click and i’ll get it all// the sharing earbuds and laying head on shoulders and holding hands//because i want that, right?//but wait, don’t i already do that with my best friend?//and that’s platonic//whatever, maybe i’m too young to know//maybe i’ll never know//i hope i do because i can't stand not knowing and not being sure what i should want or who i should want//and i stare at blank pages as i type out words that have no meaning because i look at them and see only my own nauseating self-hatred reflected back at me and practice makes perfect but there’s no making me perfect and practicing is hard//so i don’t do it//because i don’t do//anything//ever//and last year i had a boy tell me that he loved me and i sat there looking at my phone and said//nothing//for hours//until i finally texted him back//(who confesses their love over text? and who would ever love me like that? what strange rose colored version of myself did he see?)//and i told him we should just be friends and he said ‘no problem’ and we never talked about it again//even though we have lunch together every day//and i know i sounded cold and harsh and i hate it too but he wasn’t the one and i don’t think they’ll ever be a ‘the one’ for me//and maybe that’s because i don’t think i’ll ever deserve one//or simply because they don’t exist//and i guess the point is that i don’t really know who i am or who i want to be and that scares me and when i get scared i do//nothing//and that only makes it worse//so it’s 11pm and i’m regurgitating everything that’s in my brain at one time and seeing it all in front of me is hard because i’m so pathetic but at least i//did//something.